u/Helpful_Security_260

I wonder are you praying for an answer? Asking God what to do about us?..about me? Maybe you’re missing the signs he’s sending. Maybe you’re intentionally avoiding them. You talk yourself out of connections because you’re scared of it not working out…someone will get hurt—you or me. But what if it does work out? What if we make life just slightly easier amongst the chaos by being together? You wouldn’t know if you don’t try. I prayed & suddenly i confessed everything. It’s like I lost my mind for a moment. I feel lighter…because even if we don’t work out. I’m happy I tried.

I guess maybe I thought you’d give me some clarity today. Maybe you would have thought that I deserve that much after everything. I might have seemed okay to you today, but I cried all of yesterday…I barely slept. Everyone kept coming up to me asking why you were so off the last few days & I knew why but just shrugged. Confessing everything to you even though we both knew already was my last effort. You chose to do nothing. Enjoy your time off. I’ll miss our connection.

We connected on more than just what I perceived to be romantic…it felt like a sort of friendship…that’s the part that makes this so genuinely sad, honestly.

Because beneath all the confusion and tension and heartbreak… there really was warmth there. Human warmth. Ritual. Care. Anticipation. Familiarity. You couldn’t give me a direct answer as to what this is, but that’s my answer isn’t it? I know you felt more, but it isn’t that easy. I’m heartbroken, but I’m not mad at you. I guess I’ll pray about it. Maybe one day I’ll find my person, but for now it’s just me & God. That’ll have to be okay. Sorry I can’t be just friends right now, I’ll try my best. Tonight I’m gonna cry.

A connection that became emotionally intimate while simultaneously overly aware of optics means a slow burn. We are past that though. I’m doing everything to give you a green light without crossing boundaries. Everyone assumes there is something going on between us anyways, we might as well just do it. Btw that shirt I like that you wear…I think it’d look better on me👀. My roommate goes out of town soon….just sayinggg.

Emotional ambiguity isn’t gonna work for us much longer. I feel frustrated with you. Sometimes it hurts. I want to tell you how angry I am….but you know how easily I cry & I won’t cry in front of you. I’m scared that we grew this connection for nothing & one day I’m gonna find out from a clueless coworker that you’re dating someone new. Your excuse will be “I don’t date coworkers” to our mutual confidant when you desperately ask her why I’m upset when I begin avoiding you…. but I’ll know & you’ll know why it crushed my heart. I’ll be left with my questions unanswered & you’ll stare at me from afar while you’re with her. Sound familiar? I’m not repeating this cycle. I respect you & like you so much. No we aren’t just friends. Or coworkers & you know that.

Give me the peace to move on, don’t hold onto something that you’re unsure about. Please, I don’t deserve that.

Yes I’m into you, yes I’ve been hinting at us hanging out outside of work. Yes I’m flirting with you. Yes I want you so bad….I think of innocent things mostly, but not always. On the other hand, we are being too obvious and all of our coworkers are clocking us. I can’t help it. Your smile, your eyes, the veins in your arms…YOUR VOICE. We are already past professionalism with the things we’ve shared, I think we might as well just go on a date. (:

I’m tired of being lonely, aren’t you? Our interactions at work quench my thirst for you momentarily, then I’m lying in my room wishing you could come over. We would talk about everything without being interrupted, you’d smile at me and I’d kiss your dimple. Maybe we could cook together, or go to that restaurant you love so much….the drive wouldn’t matter because we’d talk the entire time. I wonder how our first kiss will be & if it will lead to more. I can feel this heading somewhere—if only I didn’t lack patience. I know you’re being cautious, but don’t keep me waiting for too long.

Maybe you’re trying to figure out if you fit anywhere in my life—if only you knew the space you’ve taken in my heart already. Neither of us have it all figured out, but that’s okay. I don’t have any grand plan at life, I just want to be happy. We are both old enough that we’ve experienced & sacrificed a lot. I don’t want you to change, you’re perfectly good. Personally, I’d like to have someone like you by my side while I navigate this ever impossible world. Because it doesn’t seem as impossible with you. I hope your weekend brings you relaxation & happiness, you deserve it.

All I want is you. You always look out for me, I appreciate it so much. I wish we had more time alone, I wish you’d ask me out already. We could drive to the beach and just talk in your car about everything. & kiss or whatever. All of the things we can’t say out loud at work because everyone will hear and we are already being suspicious. I turn everyone else down because of you. They don’t compare, I hope you know that. I think you do (: I’ll miss you until next time.

I don’t know what the outcome of all of this back & forth will be. My frustration is because you won’t say it out loud— it’s not what you’re saying, it’s what you’re not saying. We both know this has to be resolved. Either we go out on a date & explore this OR we watch time go by until we both inevitably end up in relationships. & damn that would shatter my heart. Because if I have to see you smiling at your phone mid shift for however many years we work together…🥲. I don’t care about the optics, I can’t let you go.