I’m 24 and have only dated men. My dating experience is pretty limited as I’ve only started to at 21. I only date if I see marriage potential with a man, even if I don’t want marriage anytime soon. But when it comes to marriage potential, my parents’ / the community’s opinion plays a huge factor and I am just now confronting that. Specifically, if I completely disregard the insane homophobia that exists in our culture just here on this earth, I know I would definitely marry a woman. But I’ve let my parents’ opinions run my life for way too long. I’ve done everything they’ve wanted and now I’m stuck
Before I ever learned what sexuality was or had any connotations relating to sexuality, I imagined myself with a woman. It was almost always Megan Fox. One evening, 4 year old me asked my mom what the word “gay” meant (I was also learning English at the time). My mom then gave me the definition and I said that I was that. I can’t remember but my mom did not have a pleasant reaction and just laughed. The next morning, I assume my dad heard about this because he confronted me and then slapped me for saying that and to never repeat that. Ever since then, I’ve struggled to fantasize of the idea of being with a woman without immense shame. I went to a university where majority of the school population was LGBTQ+ like it was a requirement of admission and I never confronted my feelings (I was also very busy to prioritize literally anything outside of school, especially my mental health). Now that I am out of school, I’ve gained so much perspective on life overall. It is far too short to refuse to live my life due to fear. I’ve confronted so many of my personal flaws and living my life for my parents is one of them. Trying to live life exceeding their expectations has been draining and exhausting but I really do love them dearly. I have absolutely no negative feelings towards anybody who identifies as queer, this shame is entirely on me.
I’ve constantly been thinking about this girl I met who was a friend of a friend on a night out. I thought she was so beautiful in the way I do when I get a new crush. Not in a “I want to be her” way at all. I had both romantic and sexual thoughts about her and still do. I know sexuality is a spectrum but I just got so emotional today when my boss loudly said something her girlfriend did and she said it so causally like smiling ear to ear. I was so happy to be surrounded by people who were happily out and proud but also devastated I can never be with a girl and have my parents okay with it. They’re extremely religious and are from a non western country where being gay is worse than committing an actual crime. But I just cannot shake their hold on me and it’s frustrating because I only live ONCE! This is a rant and I might feel embarrassed tomorrow morning.
TLDR: my parents’ homophobia and cultural values has caused me to suppress my sexuality deeper than I ever knew existed and I’m finally confronting it but I’m overwhelmed af :)