It's been a year. I (F36) don't think about it much, but feel guilty if I do.
My mum had a hard upbringing and was likely a SA victim, but it's never talked about. I lived with her until age 9 when CPS sent me to live with my dad (they divorced when I was 1). My school made a report around my wellbeing. There was neglect - I went go to school in dirty clothes with minimal / no lunch (I made it myself). I was head lice ridden and never made to brush my teeth. She met my stepdad when I was 5 and moved him in the same day. They had my brother, and stepdad introduced my mum to weed. They smoked all day, daily.
People said I was jealous of my stepdad. We had a bad relationship. He'd call me every name under the sun. He wasn't super aggressive but would slap (more 'acceptable' back then). I remember asking my mum if she loved him more than me. She said, "when a woman meets her husband, he becomes the most important person in her life". They trash talked my dad constantly and I felt bad for loving him, so pretended not to like him around her.
She expected me (and still does with kids in the family) to have the emotional maturity of an adult. She told me things a child shouldn't know. I was her therapist. I knew what prostitutes and pubic lice were from a young age as she told stories of my dad on both. When I moved to my dad's, I saw her at weekends and often her dog would have peed on my bed. When I would tell her, she'd cry and be upset. I felt awful so stopped telling her. I slept on the floor. Nobody is allowed to make her upset - it's like a cardinal sin.
As an adult, I saw her as a victim / felt pity. We weren't close. I didn't dislike her, but we were distant. She had weed/alcohol issues and I couldn't connect. She gave up both 3 years back. Then for over year, we were actually close! We spent time together, did nice things. But eventually it changed. If i upset her, she'd run to the bathroom crying. If I didn't see her for a few weeks she'd cry and ask if she'd offended me. I felt pressured to attend things I didn't want to. She always wanted to be at my home, calling it her sanctuary/R&R but I work long hours.
There was some triangulation - my brother (golden child) would drop hints on her behalf. She's always complaining about her life and all her troubles. If a family member was in the hospital, she'd focus on how much it caused HER stress. She prioritized her wants over mine, but I couldn't speak up without feeling awful. She gives gifts to gain your praise. I told her I didn't want a birthday party / cake given in front of everyone. She did it anyway (because I always caved and told her how great it was). She makes you wait to open any gifts while she's there so she gets to see your reaction.
The final straw was when she complained about me to my husband and told him not to tell me. He did, I lost it, and told her how I felt. She glossed over it and said "I have never "pressured" you, I've simply tried to get you to let me come round. You always took everything to heart, and I should have known you were so sensitive". Even my grandmother said, "she can never be wrong".
I don't care about the childhood stuff, but wonder if the adulthood stuff is really that bad. I don't think she knows better. I kinda feel sorry for her. Am I being crazy?