(TLDR at the end) I, (F20) have always been career and work focused. I dropped out of school in 7th grade to pursue my dreams. I bounced around gaining experience and by the time I was 18 I got into the best company in my field. I’m now turning 20 in a couple days and i don’t even recognize myself anymore. My job has gotten beyond stressful and I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My episodes have been getting worse and closer together due to the stress this job has, along with the abysmal pay. I love what I do and I do still enjoy the actual work, but I’ve become increasingly mentally unstable to the point where my body is failing me and shutting down in pain. I can’t seem to leave, but I don’t know what else to do. It’s all I’ve done for 4 years and I have no other credentials or certifications. I don’t get paid leave, I don’t get PTO, but all I seem to want to do is just be home. My boss says I’m unreliable and my coworkers can’t trust me. They tell him that they don’t know what version of myself that I will be day to day- and I mean it’s true I don’t even know. But I’m not allowed to go home early, or call in sick. So I just come in on a few hours of sleep and push myself through a 9 hour work day with no lunch, just to barely make deadlines and the barely make enough money to even pay my rent.
I recently decided I’m going to move across the country at the start of next year. MN to TX. leaving my friend, my family, everyone I’ve ever known, my job. I’m terrified. I barely handle change as is and this is the most stress I’ve ever been under. But all I want to do is run away. I want to get away from it all. I want to not exist to this place anymore. I just feel so lost. My partner doesn’t know how to help, I’m in therapy but it doesn’t seem to change anything. I can’t be on meds, and all I can do to regulate myself is get high and drunk. Im tired, im broke, and im so so lost. I’ve never even considered another job before. But now I have so many options it feels like im frozen in time. My body is bruised and broken and tired. It’s giving up on me and I can’t even afford to fix it. I can’t afford healthcare, I can only eat 1 meal a day, and when I get home I cant afford the energy to do anything else than sleep.
TLDR: My BPD has gotten so bad that I’m leaving the only job and place I’ve ever known to move across the country and start over but I don’t know what I’m ever going to do. I keep falling into spirals and depression and it feels like it never ends or gets better.