First post here. Feeling dejected.
I am a 31 year old woman and a hyper-independent person. That's something I've been working on in therapy for years. I'm image-conscious, fearful of being vulnerable, and reluctant to accept help. I have friends, family, and a wonderful wife, and I love them all very much, but I don't want to rely on them. I have always been the reliable one.
But the past few years, some of my health conditions have started forcing me out of my independence, despite me not being psychologically ready for that. I was diagnosed with Graves' disease as a child and that's honestly been fairly easy to manage since I had radiation treatment of my thyroid as a teenager and have just been on thyroid replacement since then. But I was recently diagnosed with Crohn's disease and atrophy of my stomach lining, which explains my chronic GI issues and persistent iron deficiency despite infusions. I've been so fatigued that some days I can't get off the couch.
A few months ago I had an episode of sepsis that landed me in the hospital while I was out of state staying with my in-laws. I was absolutely humiliated for them to see me in such a vulnerable state. They're very posh people, and I was naked in a hospital bed, shitting myself, in and out of consciousness. I know it's silly to be embarrassed about something that isn't my fault. But I am.
I don't want to be sick. I DON'T want to be chronically ill. I have so many hobbies and interests. I love to live life. I need to have energy and time and money to do the things I love. I can't have my energy sucked dry by stupid autoimmune diseases and my time and money sucked dry by stupid doctor's visits and hospital bills. I don't want to be sick. I hate this I hate this I hate this.
Thanks for listening. ❤️