u/Historical_Bike_9061

My husband and I are so excited for our baby to be born. We have so much love in our lives to share with a tiny human.

But I’ve noticed a trend with my mom & his parents and a lot of posts on this sub. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially with the rise of consumerism and the NEED for immediate gratification.
Grandparents often treat their grandchildren as consumer goods with excessive buying, using the child for emotional validation, and almost using the grandparent title as a status. Our babies are treated like instant gratification with a 40-week shipping time. The constant need for pictures and updates on both pregnancy and after the birth. The invasive questions and judgment (were exclusively formula feeding and people have opinions). It leads new and expectant parents to have to manage their emotions for them, while we’re already managing all of our own. Excitement is still an emotion. And we can’t just say, “please stop making the birth of our first child about yourselves.”

Listen, I WANT my family to be excited but it often makes me feel like I am a shipping box for their new toy. I get it, I am the means of production here. We want celebration but we don’t think the grandparents should be at the center of it.

My husband and I live hours away from family by flying or car and no one has ever actually made a plan to visit until we chose to have a baby. It’s been excuse after excuse for why they can’t come and how we need to visit them but now that there’s a baby coming—our home is a hot destination.

Our parents have already had their chance opportunity to be parents and gain fulfillment from that.

We made the decision to wait to send any pictures to family or friends until a day after her birth because we want the day to be special and about us welcoming our daughter into our lives & bonding with the baby. Also, recovering. When I was born in the early 90’s, no one saw me until my parents sent a picture or went to visit. Why are expectations so different now???

They will receive a message from my husband after her birth (she’s going to be a c-section baby) with, “[my name + baby’s name] are doing well and recovering from surgery. We will send a picture tomorrow and wait to video chat until we get home and settled. Please allow us to share this news first. You’re free to tell friends and family, just not on social media.”

Anyway, I just needed to rant. I hope this is relatable.

I’m sure this has been posted so much and I’m sorry!

When I got pregnant in September, I had every intention to exclusively pump/nurse our baby but I’ve always been a bit anxious about a baby relying solely on me for care/sustainance. I’m sure it has some root in childhood trauma but I digress (that’s for my therapist). I have bipolar-2 and am at a heightened risk for PPD and PPA, which is further exacerbated by a lack of sleep.

I have all of the supplies for pumping but tbh none of the desire. I’m also a graduate student and while I’m taking a semester off for mat leave, I simply do not want to deal with academic pressure and breastfeeding. My husband has been working to convince me that it’s not selfish to not breastfeed and to go the formula route. I do plan to collect colostrum in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and provide little supplement syringes to the baby at first with their formula. No more than 1 ml a day though (tbh, more of a mental thing for me).

I would love to hear about your positive experiences with EFF! The mental relief I already feel by choosing formula is so real (coupled with the guilt ofc).

Idk if this is important but we’re in Canada, will get the monthly child benefit, and plan to buy the formula from Costco if that’s what baby accepts.

I’m sure some people like it but I’m 33-weeks along and I hate it so much. It also reeks of a false sense of familiarity from strangers. Is it meant in an unkind way? No. I understand that.

I have a name. It’s not got anything to do with being pregnant and yes I know I am visibly pregnant but being a mother or being pregnant is not an identity to me, it’s a role I play (this is direct advice from my therapist on viewing myself as a person outside of parenthood or a job).

Why is every gift about being a ‘mama’? If you want to get me a ‘mama’ gift, I would love a massage not a cup or t-shirt. Every comment on pictures where I am visibly pregnant is about being a mom (I have actually only posted pictures where you can see the belly one time).

Is it too much to ask to view women as people outside of motherhood or pregnancy?

EDIT: thanks for so many perspectives! I was not expecting this to blow up like this lol. I was just annoyed by strangers and relatives but I’m glad a lot of people can relate!