22, I want to try to tell myself to stfu and not feel sad about being alone or otherwise be actively trying to fix it. But it's not that simple when I've barely talked to anyone all day, it's late at night, and the lack of connection with people is genuinely eating me alive.
I have a single long term friendship from high school who I love, but we really don't talk all that much. We're really close, but that can't possibly be enough. I don't even really have any other acquaintances outside of family. Everyone else has people they're friends with or dating or whatever. I legitimately have no one else. I'm graduating college and I never got past a couple of conversations with anyone. Most people treat me like I'm invisible, even if that's partly my own fault.
I've been too incompetent or shy to make any other real life friends. I've joined fandoms online where people genuinely make friends with other people. People who they're actually close with and meet and go to concerts and stuff wity. But nothing there either for me. It's not like I just ignore people. I tried to talk with people online all the time but it never goes anywhere. I started talking to someone from a post about wanting to make new friends, someone who specifically claimed they hate ghosting people. But no, eventually ghosted. I'm too boring even to the person literally looking for friendship and claiming they hate ghosting.
Idk wtf to even do. I should start talking to my friend more, but half the time I worry that they're only still putting up with me because they know this is my life. They know that if we stop talking to each other, I have no one else. I'll try I guess but I'm going to feel pathetic for it. I've been starting most of our (basically once a month) conversations already.
I want to go places where I could maybe talk to people more, but I really doubt it will be different. I know I should tell myself it will be. But I don't really believe it. Or I believe it until it blows up in my face.
I've had great experiences and worked through a couple years of mental health issues. Bur I'm still back here. I'm still uselessly scrolling or watching videos on my phone because idk what the hell else to do.
I'm sorry. I have people who care about me, so I'm here alive still. But it's like nobody actually *cares*. And this can't be it. I can't let this be it. But I don't know the way out.