In so deep beyond belief
I have to share because as I sit I’m pacing back and force trying to stabilize my mind.
I’m in my late 30’s male. Lost my marriage, time with my kids and lost almost everything in the divorce process house dignity etc. The divorce was as nasty as they come. 4 years in court with the purpose of draining everything. Whatever was left was gone shortly after.
Gambling has always been part of my life but I would say after the divorce it accelerated to a point where I just didn’t care anymore. I felt like I lost everything so what’s the point. The lows got lower.
I’ve been a lifelong gambler and it’s consumed me to the point where I would say I have the disease as worst as anyone else. I’m lucky I didn’t end up in jail, dead or even worse.
My struggle is the debt and lies. At several points this past year I had stopping opportunities. Times where I could stay current on bills and be ok and a plan to rebuild if I just stopped like I promised I would. I relapsed several times this past few months and the part that is killing me the most is thinking that this time I really got myself in a hole I can’t get out of.
The weird part is the feeling of hysteria that gambling gives me. I could have $20K in my account but if I lost $40 I would risk everything to get it back. Not so much because of the money it was the feeling that I wanted to go away of losing. Losing $40 had the same feeling as losing $20K and only when you lose every penny that you begin to think rationally and questioned what happened.
I live in a slum apartment despite being a former homeowner with a 4 bedroom house. I miss the days of not being consumed with gambling and being able to enjoy life and my kids. I’m worried and scared. I’ve shared my story with some people and they don’t quite understand. The mental gymnastics and urges are so powerful that I feel like o need to be chained to stop my behavior despite my mind knowing it’s wrong.
I understand why people go to jail and why people give up. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.