Hi. I’m writing this because I want to understand if anyone else experiences something similar.
I have BPD, and I’ve noticed a pattern in myself that’s starting to scare me.
Whenever I get into a stable relationship with someone who treats me well, genuinely cares about me, and gives me a sense of security… I start feeling the urge to mess it up. I’ve had two relationships that I consider some of the best I’ve ever had those people were amazing to me and I ended up cheating on both of them. It wasn’t anything meaningful or long-lasting, but it still happened, and I regret it.
At the time, I told myself the issue was that they were “too sensitive” and that I was just too harsh or cold. But now I’m in a current relationship where my partner is also very sensitive, and that doesn’t bother me in the same way.
The issue now is different: the relationship feels… too calm. And on top of that, the sexual side is complicated my boyfriend has a low sex drive, and for the past few months it’s felt like he’s only having sex with me out of obligation. That’s been affecting me a lot.
And now I can feel that same pattern coming back: I start thinking about other people, questioning if this is “worth it,” feeling like I need more intensity or something different. At the same time, I feel horrible for thinking this way because the relationship itself is good and I do care about him.
It’s like whenever things become safe and stable, I start losing interest or feel the need to create chaos.
Has anyone with BPD experienced this? How do you deal with these patterns without hurting the person you’re with?