My fiancée (39m) and I (35f) have been having more and more frequent arguments lately. They are getting more intense. And each time a small thing comes up it’s like the intensity is back to level ten within minutes, the the fights last hours-sometimes the entire day - 8-24 hours if we don’t separate.
The last ones we have had were really bad. I’m trying to figure out if his behavior is gaslighting/abuse/etc.
The pattern to me looks like this -
Something bothers me, I bring it up - “hey I didn’t like this thing that was said/what was just done”
He gets upset because I’m not happy
Then I try to re-explain, it escalates
Ends up being hours-long arguments.
Lately the arguments are turning into full blown fights with him saying “sounds like you’re breaking up with me” and starts walking out the door (I’m not- I’m just sad and trying to come to a place of understanding)
I am sober. Most recently on a work trip in ca, he dropped me off at the work thing, came back to pick me up obviously very high (just weed) and it bothered me because he was totally out of it and driving and I felt disconnected from him and unsafe. When I brought that he seemed stoned and that I don’t really like that he snuck around and is acting weird now, that it made me uncomfortable he said “I feel nothing, it does nothing to me, (basically denied everything) and pushed it back on me as me overreacting and being wrong. He pulled the car off to the side of the road and suggested getting an uber. When we got back to the place we were staying, I asked for 10 -15 minutes alone to drive around the block and listen to some music to cool off and recenter, get some decompression after the work event and the argument he kept trying to get in the car and insisted I was going to go meet up with someone and cheat on him (…no…would never…)
During our last fight when I was just crying to myself in my room he kept prodding me and asking what’s “really the problem” and saying “he doesn’t have any problems” and when I couldn’t take it anymore I started yelling “stop! Stop!” And he proceeded to say he was going to call the police or my mom, so then I got really upset with myself and hit myself in the head with my fists (so shameful) then he said I have bipolar disorder (I don’t…) he also said that because I was yelling (I was actually yelling “stop stop”) that I was being abusive. I really don’t think I’m abusive. I’ve survived domestic abuse several years ago and I’m so fearful of that kind of behavior - causing it or receiving it.
I just don’t know what to make of all this and I feel afraid to hang out with him because I’m afraid of having more arguments and more damage being done. I strive for a healthy lifestyle all around- therapy, yoga, sober etc, good family relationships and I’m just so confused at why this branch of my life feels so chaotic and messed up as of the last month.
How do we argue without causing so much damage?
TLDR minor issues turn into GIANT fights and now I suspect I’m being gaslit, looking for outside perspective of what is going on/how to handle arguments