My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have known each other for about 7 years. Our relationship has been very on-and-off with love, breakups, cheating, betrayal, reconciliations, and a lot of unfinished business. Deep down, I’ve always cared for him, which is probably why I kept accepting things I shouldn’t have.
One of our first major issues was boundaries. Early on, he had a female best friend who constantly posted him like he was her man (“my bestie,” crush-type posts, etc.). I told him respectfully that it crossed a line. Somehow I became the problem, and her whole friend group ended up disliking me.
Later, he cheated on me and lied about it. Since then, trust was never the same. We’d break up, reconnect, separate again, and repeat the cycle.
Recently, I visited him after he moved states, hoping maybe after all these years we both matured and things could be different. Instead, it felt like the same patterns in a new location.
He hyped up one day all week saying we’d spend quality time together. Instead, most of the day was spent doing DoorDash, and by night he was exhausted and half asleep. I spent most of the evening entertaining myself while he kept drifting off.
Later that night, he asked if his apartment felt like “home.” I answered honestly and said emotionally, no, because real security to me comes with commitment and intention. Then the conversation turned into him questioning my “loyalty” over a man from years ago that I never dated or wanted. He said one reason he’s unsure about marriage is because he still wants to “see loyalty.”
That hurt me deeply. After 7 years, cheating, lying, inconsistency, and all the damage he caused… I’m still the one being evaluated?
The next day he repeated it sober: he’s unsure, wants to see more, and needs proof. That’s when something clicked for me.
He wants full girlfriend/wife treatment while staying undecided: cooking, cleaning, emotional support, sex, loyalty, effort while I stay in limbo proving I’m enough.
Now the charger situation:
I had a long charger I’d been using. He kept using it too, so I told him multiple times to get his own in case mine broke. He said he would. Eventually mine broke. He promised he’d replace it before driving me home. We went on a long trip with multiple stops and chances to buy one. He never did. I ended up buying my own when we got back.
Yes, it’s “just a charger,” but to me it represents the bigger pattern: he says what sounds good in the moment, makes promises, reassures me, then doesn’t follow through unless I get upset first.
Same thing happened when I visited and his bathtub was dirty even though he knew I was coming and knows I have sensitive skin. I had to look for cleaning supplies before he thought to clean it.
It’s never about expensive things. I buy my own hair, nails, clothes, and handle myself. I’m not asking for luxury. I’m asking for thoughtfulness, honesty, consistency, and effort without having to beg first.
Now that I’ve pulled back emotionally, suddenly he’s extra affectionate, touchy, saying he loves me and wants to move forward. But it feels like urgency only appears when I start detaching.
I care about him, but I feel emotionally drained by this long-term pattern. I’m trying to decide whether this relationship has real potential to improve or if I need to let it go. How would you handle this situation?