u/Historical_Tie_1163

ive posted here a couple of times about my previous GYNECOLOGIST (accidentally said endocrinologist at first, oops) who i had an awful experience with and i can thankfully say that the appointment with my new doctor went VERY well; she was respectful, empathetic and extremely mindful of both my consent and my comfort with future procedures based on my previous traumatic experiences. it's a relief, but i'm also having more of an opportunity to really think about things now that i feel like i am not being rushed.

i have my lap scheduled for august, which will also involve the removal of a supposed uterine polyp seen on an internal ultrasound. my previous doctor failed to upload the results (lol) so my new clinic is in the process of finding those documents and then getting access, but i can at least say they didnt see any obvious signs of endometriosis on the ultrasound at the time aside from the uterine polyp.

i AM aware that endo is almost impossible to diagnose outside of a lap, but i was wondering if anyone is post-op AND had an internal ultrasound prior to surgery. did they see anything on the ultrasound? if so, how did it compare to their surgical findings? if it was severe, was there ANY indication of it on the ultrasound?

im in so much pain but after the ultrasound showed nothing and my previous doctor gave me the impression that she either wasnt worried or... just didnt care, im worried. the EXTREME tailbone/ovarian pain, heavy clotting, bleeding while ovulating is just so severe, if it isnt endometriosis then i just dont know what it is. i dont know what to expect. im hoping there are some people here who have had similar experiences and might share how it went for them, endo or not.

my whole life, i have been completely disgusted by romance and sex. i was the kind of kid who covered his eyes when scenes like that would come up in movies, and i just never grew out of it. maybe it's because i've never actually experienced a bond like that (i have tried but got so disgusted literally minutes after asking someone out that i'd call it off) but it feels very unnatural to me. i only describe it like this to explain my personal feelings, NOT my beliefs in how people feel romance, but it just... doesnt feel realistic to me? it doesnt click that someone could truly feel happy being close to someone like that.

the feeling isn't as intense with gay media as it is with heterosexual relationships, but i still am completely disgusted by the idea that anyone could find ME attractive or feel romantic towards me. ive had to have conversations with my friends to let them know that im not even comfortable being shown affection platonically. im not at all okay with people telling me they love me, unless they're very close family members.

i've even had to have conversations with fellow aro/ace people who wanted a QPP with me. that is also way, way too intimate.

all of this is to say -- especially in regards to how i have interacted with fellow aro/ace people -- my feelings just seem... very intense. i dont know anyone who is violently romance repulsed like i am. i like writing romance and reading it, even writing it in roleplay (to a degree) which is what is even more strange. i just can not handle MYSELF being involved.

i sometimes wonder if this is related to some sort of trauma based on my reactions. i should note that i do have autism and have had genetic markers for an impacted ability to form social bonds relating to it (NOT aspd) and honestly in the end, it doesn't really matter, but i guess im curious if anyone else experiences this and whether you feel it was caused by a trauma or simply how you are. i really have never met someone who is repulsed by romance like me.

it can be a little isolating too, when people dont seem to realize i CAN be repulsed by something so "normal" and flirt with me or try to interact in more intimate ways. i think i sometimes hurt peoples feelings when i ask them not to do certain things. i definitely feel very alone in many ways.

i made a post a while back talking about how my doctor has handled possible endo very poorly and ultimately traumatically by rushing me through an internal ultrasound without informed consent and pushing an IUD on me repeatedly, which ive had to cancel myself 2 or 3 times now. im actually so exhausted so i dont think i can summarize that super well right now but ive chosen to seek out a new doctor who hopefully knows more about endometriosis and who will not pave the path for more unnecessary surgeries. i dont trust my current doctor to care for me under anesthesia because so far, she hasnt really cared much about me until i annoyed her enough.

the fairly good news is ive had a lot of help from my mom finding a specialist. ill admit that ive needed her help... a lot, at least with looking for a doctor. the trauma of the ultrasound is still pretty intense. ive been sleeping a lot. i dont think i can bring myself to speak to the nurse (or god forbid, the doctor) so shes helped me a lot in contacting them.

she called to cancel for me (i love her so much) and apparently the nurse ask her if i... "understand it will only get worse". which made me see red. its taken me years to get them to even consider endo and they didnt actually seem to give all that much of a fuck when they found something growing in my uterus. they only seem to care NOW because i am seeking a new doctor.

im pre-menstrual rn and definitely scared, i know this one is gonna be bad, so im especially touchy but man. they have brushed me off for years. every time id bring up endo symptoms, i got a specific response: "well, endometriosis would cause x and y-" to which id confirm i have those symptoms too, and get the response of "okay, then we'll do an iud so the painful periods stop" instead of even humoring the idea of addressing the root cause.

i dont even know if this surgery would address endometriosis at all, but i frankly doubt it since my doctor has repeatedly shown me that her solutions are half-assed at best. i dont even know if what she saw in my uterus is ACTUALLY nothing to be concerned about, because she is pushing me into the surgery with just as much pressure and indifference as she has with the iud. i cant take it anymore!!!

and the nurse acting like i don't understand it will only get worse is... just exhausting. i am so tired of this, i could cry. if the next doctor isnt any good and i have to go back, i dont know what ill do. im so scattered and upset.

accidentally sent this before i was done editing lmao, so its pretty all over the place. dont mind me, its just reassuring to yell into the understanding void of this subreddit 🥲

this is pretty long; idk when background info becomes too much, but i'll attempt a TLDR at the end

i'm a pre-T trans man and have suspected i have endo for years now, but recently my symptoms have gotten monumentally worse. every single period, the pain goes up a notch above the last. the last 3 or 4 have gotten even more extreme with radiating tailbone pain, which has failed to completely resolve even outside of active bleeding.

my flow is HEAVY. i can barely move on my period, pain medicine no longer works, and i have resorted to hanging my legs off the side of my bed in an attempt to take that pressure off my tailbone - which doesnt really help. along with excruciating pain that can no longer be managed, i spot + cramp while ovulating, have ovarian pain when using the restroom, pass MASSIVE/constant clots during my period (as well as some between cycles), and my periods have been getting longer and longer. i have bled heavily for up to a week recently, when i used to only bleed heavy for the first 2-3 days.

i dont want this post to be crazy long so, needless to say, my QOL around my cycles PLUMMETS. it's bad. i don't know if i am properly explaining how bad it is.

i'm not just in pain, but concerned. my doctor has pushed an IUD without exploratory surgery, even ordering an IUD for me before i even really agreed, which was cancelled after i got the courage to call. i know it's different from the pill, but i had some very bad experiences with birth control in the past. ive expressed that to her, and while she never outright said it, i continued to get the impression that she... didnt really care. her solution has been IUD, no investigation, despite my mom having such severe endo that she was very nearly cancerous at a point.

i had to push it hard this time. she tried again to push an IUD, and i cant even really tell if she acknowledges that i may have endo at all. i pushed back, because i can not live like this. i want the surgery and however much they have to remove, fine.

she seemed annoyed and checked out with me. she ordered an internal ultrasound. i have never had one. i have only ever had a single pap smear, during which the nurse had to, in a panic, remind my gyno that i had never had a pap smear so she should not use the big speculum she almost used. not a very good track record, as you may have noticed, lol.

it happened really fast. i wasnt told what the ultrasound would be like, besides "it won't be as bad as the pap smear". it was so much fucking worse. the instrument was huge, it hurt, the nurse told me to tell her if it hurt and i did, but she seemed almost annoyed that i actually took her up on that. it felt like it took forever. in the end, the (noncancerous) growth in my uterus was visible with an external ultrasound.

they left me in the room to clean myself up and then didnt wait for me to be dressed before opening the door and curtain wide open. i barely remember the rest of the appointment, aside from my gyno telling me what was on the ultrasound, which i saw because i was watching the screen, alone with the nurse. the gyno wasnt in the room at the time.

she still plans to insert an iud when she goes in to remove the growth, while i'm asleep during the surgery we have scheduled. i have felt out of it for days. i've barely slept and i can barely get myself to talk. i can not believe how traumatized i am by the experience. i cant even really put into words the stress and fear. its so bad that i feel almost numb.

i understand that doctors will avoid surgery if at all possible. i know an internal ultrasound is pretty standard, but it's hard to translate the nuances of her attitude about it all. i know im probably wrong, but i cant help but to feel like it was retaliatory. she was annoyed that i kept asking her about endo + was not sure of an IUD. i'm genuinely not sure if i even want to go through with the surgery, because i have been given the impression over the months it's taken to convince her to investigate - which did bring up SOMETHING GROWING IN MY UTERUS!!! - she just wants to file me in and out of the office without much thought to care. im afraid she will see endometriosis and fail to identify or remove it to avoid the trouble, and i'll have gone through this actual nightmare just to get the IUD i have more or less been pressured into and nothing else.

TLDR: my very checked-out endocrinologist only investigated my severe endometriosis-like symptoms when i pushed, having pressured me into an IUD instead of investigation up until now. i was put through a very callously performed internal ultrasound with very little informed consent, which did show a (likely non-cancerous) growth that will need surgery, and... she still plans to plant the IUD while i'm asleep on the table. it feels like she did so because i refused the IUD and insisted i want a proper diagnosis. i feel traumatized and humiliated, especially because in the end, an external ultrasound was able to be performed and detect the growth just as easily as internal.

(i know that this may also seem irrational, and she probably did have her reasons. i've just been in shambles about this since it happened. i have no one to talk to because i dont want my friends to know im trans, and i needed to get it out really bad)

EDIT: thank you so much to everyone who responded supporting and reassuring me, and the advice means so much more than i can describe. i can't respond to every comment but i really am incredibly grateful. im unbelievably relieved that im not crazy to feel this way, especially in regards to the IUD being much more of a bandaid fix. i will look into endometriosis specialists in my area and probably will cancel the surgery, as i have very little confidence she has taken my concerns seriously to begin with and i really just do not trust her at this point.