27F and want to start queer life but some things aren't sitting right
I want to start my journey dating women and I am so so sorry but it makes me feel so so sad. As if I am grieving, like it's a loss, like I am cutting out men forever and it upsets me a lot. It makes me want to cry. I have struggled with sexual intimacy and libido all my life with men but I am really funny about intimacy with people in general. I have had crushes on men my whole life, they were never in response to anyone, I just liked them but I never approached them, I was too self-conscious and afraid of being rejected. I tried with two at uni but they never worked out. I get turned on by breasts and got no problem with self-pleasure on that front but I cannot help myself from checking out men or feeling like I miss them when I change my filter on apps to just women. I think I have felt feelings for 7 men - it felt like a rush of joy and I have felt safe, I liked kissing them and being with them but they all ended up ghosting me after 2 or so dates. At the same time, I have dated men, with or without sex and felt nothing when they ended. I have also had sex twice and liked it slightly more each time but it still hurts with the penis. I have had plenty of men be into me and I am not into it. If I don't like them already, I am not interested. I am 27, never had a relationship and still daydream about men and living with them but in reality I think women are better for me as I am more comfortable with them. I have not had any encounters yet but I have on occasion wanted to kiss a female friend in a moment of joy. When I imagine a guy intimately, it can freak me out or even turn me off if there isn't any slow build-up to it (spoiler I don't have a great relationship with my dad, always scared of him). Has it been like this for any late bloomer lesbians? I am worried once I start dating women, I will still think about dating a man. I am so sorry if I have posted this in the wrong place.