Can I (22F) save my relationship with bf (22M) after 8 break-ups? or am I just a fool
Okay I am aware of how this sounds. I met my bf on Hinge when we were 19 and 20 and we've been together a total of 3 years and 3 months. We live around 2/3 hrs from each other so this is a long distance relationship as we can only really see each other once a month. Things were truly perfect for a year and 4 months. It sounds naïve I know, but I truly thought I had found my soulmate. We just always seemed to be on the same page, we were like the perfect team.
Just for context I want to mention that he has diagnosed ADHD and has been told he could have autism, but that remains undiagnosed. I have also been told that I could have autism, but I am also undiagnosed. But if we are, both of us present as very high-functioning.
July 2024 rolled around and he just shut down emotionally, completely out of nowhere. He couldn't explain it at all, just that he couldn't feel any emotions like he was numb, and said that it wasn't fair to ask me to stay in a relationship with him when he doesn't know if he will ever feel normally again. So the logical decision was to end things. About 3 weeks later (approximately...could've been 4?) we spoke and he told me he was starting to feel normal again. That he doesn't know what happened, but he regrets leaving and would love to try again. This seemed like such a random fluke to me and where I love him so damn much I of course wanted to try again as well. During our time apart I tried to do research into what could've caused his numbness (in a desperate attempt to be able to solve the problem and be able to be together again) and had a few theories going: my birthday is in June and he had organised all of my friends to meet us at the pub to surprise me for my 21st. A day or two after that we went to stay at his for a week or so and I had noticed then that he seemed off. So theory 1 is that he was somehow overwhelmed internally, from organising the birthday and keeping it a secret, that he shut down emotionally. Saw some things that said this could be an ADHD thing. Theory number 2 was that he was experiencing some sort of depression numbness. I had more theories at the time but it's been a while since I've thought about them.
We had 2 wonderful months before it sort of happened again. But this time he wasn't completely numb, just mainly angry and unhappy. We broke up because he wanted to. He wasn't in a good place and I couldn't convince him that I could help, he just wanted to be alone. We agreed we would have one last 'Hoorah'. He had a ticket to my graduation and I had a ticket to go to Silverstone racetrack with his family to see the touring cars, so we decided we would do those together and have a nice goodbye after that. after a week of barely talking, except for me asking the odd question because I needed to know every boundary around the plan possible, he told me he wanted us to keep trying. He had admitted that he didn't feel in love with me anymore, but that he felt how he felt when we first started talking and wanted to try again. And as I'm sure you can guess, I was completely on board with trying if it meant I didn't have to lose him.
When he came down to stay he admitted he was in love with me, and staying with me was making him feel normal again.
So we had another wonderful 2 months before it all went to shit, again. This time he stopped talking to me for days after I got upset with him because I felt his games and friends came before me. This argument was when I noticed it was happening again, he wasn't loving and attentive like usual just cold and defensive. He went radio silent for 4 days and finally messaged to say me he couldn't keep doing this to me. That he was no good for me and I deserve better, that he was behaving like before and couldn't ask me to stay when this is clearly going to keep happening. I argued back, desperate to keep trying, but he was certain this was the right thing to do. A week or two later we spoke a little, he wasn't so sure of his decision and I said I was happy to keep trying if he wanted to. I went and saw him for a day and things seemed good but when I went home he completely switched up on me. He was barely talking to me and then he disappeared off to another city. I had his location so I asked why he was there and he lied and told me he was visiting a friend I knew of (male), but I found out he was seeing a female friend I had never heard of. He went completely radio silent on me again for four more days so when I saw he was travelling home I got up early the next day to collect my stuff and dump him. I had decided before I left that I wanted to walk away with no questions so I made sure we spoke about everything. He told me he hadn't cheated at all, I believed him because at this point I was walking out no matter what, and that was clear, so he had no reason to lie. He told me he just stopped being able care about his life or what happened in it and started making more reckless decisions. Anyway, the more we spoke the more conflicted I became. I watched the life enter his body as he went from a zombie of himself, practically a stranger I couldn't recognise, to himself again. When I pointed it out he said me just being there made him feel more normal and like himself, like he could care again. I kid you not, I saw it happen.
Well shock horror we decided to keep trying. I know, crazy decision to come to after all that. I just hadn't hit my breaking point, I was still willing to keep trying. I genuinely was expecting to be so done but I wasn't.
I'm sure based on the title you've caught on that this kept happening until we hit break up number 8. Each break up varied a little the more it happened. Sometimes we'd be fine for 3/4 months before he'd shut down and around break up 6/7 it would only take a mater of weeks. We couldn't explain what was happening to him, I thought maybe object impermanence because of his ADHD. A friend of mine with ADHD told me she gets object impermanence with people and finds long distance relationships hard because of it and I wondered if that's what it was for him. That he was losing feeling for me when we were apart because of object impermanence (which is always when the issues happened, we never had issues when staying with each other in person) and we'd argue about it and break up, but that doesn't explain why he kept coming back. I am 99.9% certain he is an avoidant attachment (I am aware everyone hates avoidants because they suck and this information alone will make a lot of you tell me to just leave) he grew up with very unemotional parents and his dad can be a real bully. But I don't know how much of a role his avoidant attachment is playing, I'm still learning about attachment styles.
So now we've been together (on and off) for 3 years. I have yet to hit my breaking point.
It felt like he was trying more than he was since the issues started. He signed up for some therapy which told him his issues are with his ADHD, so he signed up for a CBT course but in true ADHD fashion missed the window to start and was put on a waiting list (could take up to 6 months). But it's starting to feel like things are getting worse. He's a lot more nonchalant than he ever used to be, remember how I said we were always on the same page? yeah not anymore. We used to be the exact same way in the way we loved and existed in relationships but over the years he's stopped being able to express it, even though he's adamant he feels it. He told me 'it's a fight' to get the words out but said he has 'no clue' why he can't just say how much he loves me. When we're together its easier for him, things feel a lot closer to how they used to, but as soon as were back to being apart its like were wading through quicksand. Arguments used to be small things that we'd handle with ease, whereas now if he gets frustrated with me there's a risk he will shut down completely, and he's so much drier to talk to when messaging as if he just doesn't want to. But he'll say he hasn't lost interest and is in love.
But I still haven't hit my breaking point where I'm done and want out, I still love him and want to keep working to fix things. I just want to get us to a good place again. So I guess my question is: Is there anything that we, or I, can do to make that happen? (unfortunately we can't currently afford couples counselling otherwise that would be my first port of call).
Am I crazy for wanting to stay and keep fighting after everything we've been through? Is there anyone else who has fought for the person they love like this, if so what happened? was it worth it? Does anyone have experience with issues like this and have any advice?
I really would do anything for the people I love, I mean how can you claim to love someone if you're not prepared to fight for them right? But I don't know anyone who's experienced something like this. My friends have left relationships but none went back or even spoke about wanting to. Am I just naïve and stupid? Am I broken?
And before anyone jumps to telling me I'm his side girl and he's with someone else when I'm not around or that he's cheating on me, I can assure you he's not. I know just saying that doesn't sound very convincing though.
TL;DR: My bf and I have split up 8 times in total because he keeps shutting down, but we're not entirely sure why he keeps shutting down. I want to keep fighting for my relationship and the man I love but I have no idea how to fix things and I'm worried I'm not supposed to and trying would be a crazy thing to do. I don't know anyone who has experienced anything like this and I want to know if there's anything we, or I, can do to save what we have or if I just have something wrong with me for not being able to just give it a rest.