u/Holiday_Security_511

I, 17F have been romantically involved with my girlfriend 18F since November of last year. My ex 19F her best friend, and yeah. It’s a really messy situation. Story for another day actually. We all hung out as a little friend group. Anyway, one Friday after school, my girlfriend left, and it was just my ex and I. My ex was sad that her relationship had just ended, and she was venting about it. She was also crying. She asked me to hold her hand, and I said alright. She kept rubbing it and holding it, and I tried to pull away but she’d hold on tighter. A while later, we had to go to the front of school because it was getting late. She needed to use the bathroom and then she just kissed me. This wasn’t premeditated. There was no buildup. She just kissed me, I kissed her back, and then we went upstairs. I told her it meant nothing to me and I loved my girlfriend, and we agreed to take it to the grave. I’m not even attracted to her at all. I genuinely don’t know why I did that, and it is something I regret every single day. I held up on that promise, but she told one person and that went back to my girlfriend. My girlfriend is obviously upset, and she left me. She said I don’t respect her as much as she respects me, because she would have told me. I feel like a piece of shit. I wish I never put her through this. I regret it deeply, and I really wish I had just left when she did. My girlfriend said this is it, and I should never speak to her again. I genuinely feel like she was my person. I harbour so much love for her, and I have a deep level of understanding for her that no one else does. I feel like we could have grown up together and started a family together. I’m endlessly devoted to her, and I hate myself every single day for what I did. I also feel like a dick for wanting her to come back to me, despite everything. I feel like I can’t feel remorse and guilt and regret and feel like I don’t want to lose her at the same time, without my remorse being disingenuous. I don’t know what to do, and I need advice. Please help. Is there anything I can do to make this right?