I feel a bit weird about the fact that this post will also be my introduction in this community, but I feel like it's the only proper way to show who I actually am anyways... This text will handle some heavy topics, such as self harm and suicide, I spoilered the thing due to comfort. This will also be long I fear.
You can call me Firmus, but I don't think it matters all that much. I have only ever been in love once, and I still am, eventhough my precious person (rightfully) doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I will respect that, even if it kills me on the inside.
I fell in love with him in highschool, during a shared class we had. We were two of the very few students in that course, since not many others had picked it, and we were both quite terrible at the subject, me moreso than him. We did all of the required labs and experiments together, and met up to study quite often. During this time I struggled quite badly with my home life, especially my parents, and he was a sort of an escape to me. I became obsessed, although I kept my feelings very restrained. It became difficult to do that after he gifted me a birthday present one time, eventhough it was a very uninspired one (according to his own words, not mine, I will genuinely cherish that present forever). Either way, we stayed friends and eventually made our way to university.
This is where problems started to arise. I was finally free from my home life, but my family was keen on keeping me on a close leash, and continued to terrorise me. My mental health started to crumble, and I realised how stunted my emotional inner life was, due to the abuse my parents put me through. My love was very busy with his studies, as he enrolled in a terribly difficult degree. I tried to get his attention whenever I could, but from his view, we weren't at all as close as I would have liked to be. He rightfully declined my requests to meet up - and it was reasonable, we lived in different towns. My mind started fixating on him, he was genuinely the only good thing I had in life, even if we were, at best, casual friends. This all accumulated in a complete nervous breakdown when he had a huge exam, since I was completely left alone. I can never forgive myself for what happened during that time. I would often threaten suicide, and talk about my depressive state with him, manipulate him, just to get attention. I even hurt myself severely to get him to talk to me out of pity. It felt better than being invisible. After this huge crossing of boundaries, he stopped contact with me, and we parted on bad terms.
I tried to improve myself after realising my mistakes, and things were slightly better. I kept the memories of him close and tried to turn into a version of myself he would like, even if I could never see him again.
Then, a year later, he messaged me. He said he wanted to have a talk to clear our differences, and that he hoped I was doing well, since he didn't want to leave loose ends in his personal life, and has improved his own situation aswell. I was ecstatic. We had that talk, it was productive, and I tried to show my best side, so he would know I improved and became a better person. We started messaging again occasionally, and my fixation became even worse. I knew that realistically, I had no chance of entering a romantic relationship with him, but I considered myself to be fine with that. As long as I could live in his shadow, that would be okay for me. I would be there if he needed someone, anyone, for whatever reason - as a friend, as an emotional support, or as a punching bag (he would never do the latter, I am sure, but these thoughts just show how distraught I was).
Then I made a mistake. At some point, I just couldn't keep my feelings contained anymore, and I begged him to consider me as a romantic prospect. He said he needed time to think. I messaged him countless times. He said he felt pressured and that he couldn't handle this kind of relationship with someone else. Once again, we parted on bad terms. This was more than a year ago.
Now, why am I making this post now, you may ask? Well, I watched a movie recently. The main character was very much like my love, both in terms of personality, and also somewhat in terms of looks. Both wonderful, emotional, intelligent people that are treated badly by the world around them. Both wear glasses and have this soft, cozy vibe to them, both are scientists... It was a very distressing experience for me. I left the cinema and immediately started reading our old discord chats, and then the WhatsApp chats. I also realised, that my love unblocked me, then. I wonder why he did that? It made me very thoughtful. He is not the type of person to cut anyone off permanently, so maybe this undecisiveness is the reason. Or maybe, he briefly considered the offer that I made back then, that I would always be there if he needed a favor. I am unsure. I feel the heavy compulsion to message him - I know he is not in the best place mentally either, and his family doesn't accept his identity, so what if he is in trouble? My mind is racing, eventhough I know I need to let go.
Thank you for reading. I will post many more anecdotes at a later date, I think.