Does anyone else here struggle around people who seem genuinely happy in evangelicalism?
I can’t really figure out why this still bothers me so much. A lot of posts here are about hypocrisy, and I certainly feel a lot of anger about that too, especially regarding evangelical’s support of Trump.
But for me personally, a lot of people I knew from my evangelical days, especially my family, are still in the evangelical church and are perfectly happy with it. They are upset with the church’s support of Trump, but still feel fulfillment from their faith.
It feels like I was told if I follow the rules, I will be happy and fulfilled and have this special inner peace. I tried SO HARD to follow all the rules. It would be different if I knew it was bullshit as a kid and never liked living under my strict parents, but I was ALL IN on evangelism. I followed all the rules. I thought they were right. im still trying so hard to detangle my own views from the impulse to follow these rules, from the intense shame and intense strutting over every decision and every impulse to do anything for myself.
I don’t want to go back to that life and in a lot of ways i am happier but I guess I do get jealous of people who seem to be very happy and fulfilled in their faith. I question why it didn’t work for me when it works for them.
i know everyone is going to say “they seem happy and fulfilled but they probably aren’t.” I am sure that’s true for some of them, but not everyone.
the biggest thing is when it comes to purity culture because, despite working on deconstructing that ideology for years, I still hold some much shame and don’t feel free to explore my sexuality. I know people who married the first person they dated/slept with and they are in great relationships. And I don’t mean people who I see on Instagram and it looks great on social media. these are close friends and family. I don’t (personally) know tons of people for whom it turned out to be a mistake. So it’s harder for me to come out of the idea that it’s because i “broke the rules” even though consciously I know that is stupid.
im not sure what advice im looking for here, I just feel more sad than angry and I don’t often see that expressed.
edit: I mentioned hypocrisy because I see so many comments in this sub and in general like “no one is actually following those rules anyway.” i don’t know why I feel a compulsion to say that some people do follow those rules. i think the cynical attitude is well deserved, but I guess it just doesn’t ring true to my experience. and it makes me angry because I followed the rules so much I really can’t even stop doing it!