I feel so isolated after having been born into a cult.
I was born into a small-ish evangelical control group in Texas full of things I wish I could say but I feel genuinely afraid to due to how most people don't really know what to say or just quite frankly don't want to hear it. After nearly 4 years of having escaped at age 19 I just feel so... useless. I have no energy, no will to go on, but I have no choice.
I'm venting, but I wish there was support, anything really. Anything to make life just... easier.
I don't have family to rely on because they all part of the cult in some way and despised me for leaving.
It's hard to maintain friendships when others react with silence at what you've been through despite sharing their traumas.
It's hard to get therapy when therapists and counselors even either react with silence, disbelief or even accusations, or just assume that being in the same type of therapy for years will magically help you.
It's hard to enter trauma support groups when the trauma victims don't expect to hear trauma like yours, when they make you even doubt if what you went through was a cult.
It's hard to enter cult survivor groups when the cult survivor focus is on people who joined cults later in their years.
It's hard to get support when even many people will look at you with suspicion and hostility for being a minority on top of everything else.
I genuinely just feel incredibly ungrateful. People have told me things along the lines of:
"The world owes you nothing. You alone have to put in the work to better yourself", "we're all dealt different cards in life, what matters is how we react to it" and similar.
And honestly, they're right. Nobody has to care for me or help me even slightly, what is important is if I can be a good person and make a good life despite all of that. I'm not special in the slightest and even if I have a worse starting point I must push through anyways like everybody else.
But I have these deeply selfish desires anyways.
Desires about having a family, a childhood, or people who would genuinely be there for me. Or maybe some legal help or help with daily life, even people who can help with paperwork.
Truthfully I would cry if there were support groups I felt like I actually had a place in. Or if I could have a safe living situation for the first time in my life. Or even just rest.
Today I have nothing to complain about. I fell in love with another born-in cult survivor from Norway, someone I've known for my life journey since leaving the cult with plans to maybe move in with her. Perhaps the first and only person I've met who doesn't dismiss everything I've been through.
But even though she has an entire house in Norway that would be lovely to rest in... unfortunately immigration takes a lot of time and effort and most of all, energy. It's an uphill battle after my life has been nothing but battles. I still have to fill out myriads of papers, travel to different locations, prove myself etc. if I wanted to immigrate via marriage or cohabitation. I don't have anyone back in the US so I'm navigating homelessness.
And this is likely incredibly self centered to say but I just lack any energy anymore. I'm immensely burnt out after the 19 years of abuse. I should be happy at how fortunate my circumstances might be in the future. I'm going to soon be in a good place now. But I just don't know how many more ladders I can climb with only her as support.
I'm posting this vent as one of my last efforts to just reach out to more people who might understand, even though I'm quite frankly afraid. I feel so isolated, I feel so de-energized, and it's truly hard to keep the dark thoughts at bay. I know I can live a better life with enough effort but I'm not even sure how much I want to continue to exist in a world where I can barely even talk about what I went through with anyone, much less get any help beyond basic therapy with coping skills that helped me to stabilize emotionally, but that's it.
I just want to rest. I just need help before I can do things. I don't want to be strong anymore.