r/cultsurvivors

I grew up in this church, live with my parents so I'm still forced to go.

We can't read the Bible, we have to cut our hair because evil hides in hair, if you leave the church witchcraft will affect you and you won't be under God's protection. We all wear white when we meet, its a mix of a little Christianity and African spirituality, I recently started braiding my hair and growing it out and they said if I die the church will not raise up funds to bury me and I am vulnerable to demonic attacks. They prophesied sicks which is to come on me and apparently I have a spiritual husband and one of these days I will leave home ans not come back.

I was a naive blabbermouth and stood on my morals. when I saw abuse happen, I always pointed it out to others and tried to help. I'm autistic and I didn't realize I was always painting a massive target on myself until i left. I'm dealing with the aftermath of that, and always carrying that massive target. I wonder if it gets better. I've rejected hiding, and I'm open about leaving. but the levels of "I'm in trouble" feelings and shame in everything can be suffocating. I've been treated like a disruptive psychopathic manipulator for half of my life, and had it hammered into my head that the group should be my utmost priority, and I should never be myself, look out for myself, or my well being. I committed the ultimate sin of never believing any of it, pointing out everything, disagreeing, always sharing my true beliefs and feelings. I'm told every day by health professionals and loved ones, that those are my best traits and things I should be proudest of. But i feel crushed under the weight of the target every minute of every day. The shunning and smearing is almost nothing compared to the feelings I inflict on myself. The logical part of my brain is screaming to be glad that I'm out, that I did the right thing, but it's drowned out by the narrative version of myself.

I have escaped for five months now and am about to graduate from UK university, but last December I was studying the Bible with members of the ICC church. While studying the Bible, I felt suspiciously denied presumption (I felt it was an attack that I was denied because I was a Presbyterian), preached that they were a "true church" and even urged me to give up my dream by telling them to be my student instead of a historian. At the time, I was on winter vacation after the first semester of my senior year in England, and I was about to write my thesis for the second semester, which begins in January of the following year. Eventually, I had a fierce argument with them before Christmas, and I finally got out of it by telling the pastor of my existing church. Frankly, I felt like my life was being denied because I had been walking with God since birth while studying the Bible with them. I have attended church with my family since I was a baby, and they have denied my life and told me to "be baptized again at our church." I was so angry about it. Fortunately, I didn't go to the church in person, and I ended up conducting Bible study online, but has anyone else's life been ruined since I actually went to the church in person? And the ICC church members ask me every morning if I read the Bible and wrote a notebook, and it felt hard for me because it was winter vacation back then, because I wanted to take a break. I'm busy ahead of graduation, but I need time to rest, right? Reading the Bible is good, but at that time I had time to study before I wrote my graduation thesis on Central Asian History and sometimes I couldn't sleep until dawn. Oh, and I got out of them because I couldn't give up my faith in the Lord, but as a Presbyterian, I was so hurt that they made logical errors and attacked me with gaslighting. I felt so hurt because I felt denied my faith. Although I came out of studying the Bible with them for less than a month, can I say that this is a situation as a victim when I have had such an upset experience?

Staying in a cult even after you have mentally left is a very strong way to protest quietly. This opening is very clear. It gets straight to the point.

When you stay as an "ex-member" inside the community, the leader starts getting very annoyed. To them, you are like a "ghost." You occupy a seat, but you don't give any "fuel" to the group—meaning no spiritual energy and no money. Now, even the local management have realized what is happening. They see that you are just sitting there like a dead weight that they cannot push out.

Their anger comes from a very practical reason: they feel you are "freeloading." They think you are using the halls, the electricity, and the facilities they built without giving anything back. You use everything, but you don't give any donations or tithes. This financial loss has made the leader so upset that he can no longer hide it. The irritation is now public; he has started shouting about "useless" or "unproductive" members during his regular speeches. Using "shouting" or "lash out" makes the leader's loss of control feel very real.

What hurts the leader's ego the most is that you are secretly following your own path. You live within their walls, but for your own peace of mind, you follow your own heart or even another religion. Usually, they use threats to stop people from leaving. But now, the leadership is actually telling the "ex-members" to go away and follow their other religions elsewhere. You are there physically, but they cannot touch your spirit. By just staying in this middle ground, you have shown everyone that the leader’s power is actually a failure.

I'll keep this short because I honestly I just wanted to post this to a group of folks who "get it".

The guy who groomed me into this weird sex cult (I'm 2 years free) approached me from behind in a bar last week. He didn't know it was me.

I was facing my friend when she said, "he's behind you" -- I thought it was a poor taste joke, but it wasn't, haha

He realised it was me after seeing my side profile. He shouted some expletives and scuttled away.

I know he ran away because, after leaving, I took my stand and called the authorities (he was arrested and questioned but not charged).

Anyway, here's the real point of my testimonial:

I didn't have any nightmares that night, no weird feelings, but also no dissociative numbness.

I think that EMDR therapy, particularly a forward template, helped me cope with being inches away from my former, less-than-benevolent "God".

I hope this short testimony of freedom helps others who fear this kind of scenario. xx

Hey Reddit. First post ever, so bear with me - but I’m desperate and I don’t know where else to turn at this point.

After searching on Google for hours, I’ve been unable to find much about the IDMR from an outsider’s perspective, let alone from a former member. So coming here was the only other option I could come up with.

I was born and raised in a religious cult known as the Institute of Divine Metaphysical Research, and after years of struggling with attending their classes in my adult life, I eventually just stopped going altogether. Despite what we were always told, I actually became happier instead of worse off, so I didn’t doubt my decision for a second. However, I feel like the baggage of being raised in their teachings is still with me, and for years I’ve wanted to connect or reach out to other former members (or even visitors who only attended once or twice) just to compare notes. With what they teach, I have to believe I’m not the only former member dealing with the aftermath of their teachings and so forth.

More info:
A lot of what motivated me to leave had to do with me feeling uncomfortable attending after I came out as trans, as many of the members began to behave differently around me. Though the IDMR claims it doesn’t discriminate when it comes to LGBT+ people, many members are clearly made uncomfortable by it, and one person who I had known my whole life even took me aside in tears to convince me to “rethink” my decision when I began attending classes in suits rather than blouses/dresses. I’ve heard that another member of my “home branch” also left partially due to LGBT+ mistreatment - but that’s mostly hearsay, as they left before I did and when you leave, members tend to shittalk you to manipulate the narrative.

In the small amount of research I’ve done thus far, I’ve seen a lot of damning (but unsourced) claims that the higher-ups and founding members were secretly involved in some shady stuff that definitely would not have been in line with what they teach members. It’s piqued my interest, and uncovering any truth to this may even help me get another close family member free from this place, as they still attend fervently to this day and it makes me more than a little uncomfortable.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has any history with the IDMR, be they a former member like me, a visitor that only attended a few classes, a relative/loved one of a member, or anywhere in between. And I welcome any clarifying questions as well - there’s so much to this, way too much to include here.

Thanks in advance. ~

I get it now…
Why a friend I bumped into not long after joining UBF said, “It sounds like you’re in a cult,” when I told her about the Bible verse I had been instructed to memorize.

I get it now…
Why a classmate told his friend, “He’s inviting me to Bible study but I think he’s trying to get me to join a cult.” Teddy had told me to invite him repeatedly until he accepted my invitation.

I get it now…
Why a neighbor once asked me if I knew the definition of the word “cult.” Years later, I had the chance to thank him for the question and to apologize for not understanding him.

I get it now…
Why my junior high librarian told Mom it was strange that another country sent missionaries to the US when Mom told her where I was going to church.

I get it now…
Why it was such an outrage for UBF to tailor my autobiography to their wording when they made me write my life testimony for their 1984 regional conference. That testimony credited 1:1 Bible study for changing my life and sang Teddy’s and Peter’s praises for changing me into a good little UBFer while ignoring the pain and trauma caused by being forced to write it.

I get it now…
Why Moses could make promises he had no intention of keeping. He was looking for emotional hooks to extend his hold over me.

I can’t unsee…
The moment when I was unpacking while moving into the Northwood house with Moses and his family. When he saw the Atari videogame disks Dad gave me along with the computer, Moses made me give those disks back to Dad.

I can’t unsee…
The afternoon Moses purged my bookshelf. He saw my copy of Grendel which retells Beowulf from the monster’s perspective (I had bought it because a British Literature professor recommended it), found it objectionable, then took it and several other books and presumably threw them away. I never saw them again.

I can’t unhear the moment…
When Peter rebuked Tom for his casual greeting of “Hey there! Hi there! Ho there!” by saying it was unsuitable for a man of God. This meant that individuality wasn’t allowed in UBF.

I can’t unhear the moment…
When Teddy proclaimed “I would throw myself off a cliff for my key verse!” the day he heard I hadn’t selected my annual key verse (used for personal inspiration). My unspoken reply was, “Shouldn’t Jesus be who you’re willing to die for?”

I can’t unhear the moment…
Teddy claimed that a demon came to him in a dream shortly before he met me on campus. The demon said, “Don’t meet him! Pass him by!” We heard it as confirmation that I was supposed to be in UBF; now I see it for the emotional propaganda it really was.

I can’t unhear the moment…
When Teddy told me I should always be grateful to him because God had used him to bring me to Jesus.

I can’t unhear the moment…
When Peter told me, “I don’t think I am ready for you to do that yet” the Sunday afternoon when I told him I was thinking of transferring to another university to finish grad school. That was the moment I turned away and left UBF for good.

If you are looking to practice Yoga never go to a yoga studio that has religious iconography of any kind. You can rest assured they are connected to a cult if you see that. American Yoga has NO BUSINESS bringing religion into exercise. It is manipulative and done in order to obtain a reputation of peace and inclusion. Yoga teachers and studio owners are some of the most self centered, delusional people who are only out to make money. It is a business not a religion. Indian Yoga, the mystic side of Hinduism originally called Sanatanadharma, has nothing to do with what we do here. If you see anything eastern turn around and go to the any gym. They have classes there. Yoga studios want followers they can use to satisfy their egos and their wallets. Beware of the kindness they show. It is a lie. See how they would treat you at the grocery store or in line at Starbucks. Some of the rudest most racist people I have ever met. Beware. I warned you. Don't do it.

I was born into a small-ish evangelical control group in Texas full of things I wish I could say but I feel genuinely afraid to due to how most people don't really know what to say or just quite frankly don't want to hear it. After nearly 4 years of having escaped at age 19 I just feel so... useless. I have no energy, no will to go on, but I have no choice.

I'm venting, but I wish there was support, anything really. Anything to make life just... easier.

I don't have family to rely on because they all part of the cult in some way and despised me for leaving.

It's hard to maintain friendships when others react with silence at what you've been through despite sharing their traumas.

It's hard to get therapy when therapists and counselors even either react with silence, disbelief or even accusations, or just assume that being in the same type of therapy for years will magically help you.

It's hard to enter trauma support groups when the trauma victims don't expect to hear trauma like yours, when they make you even doubt if what you went through was a cult.

It's hard to enter cult survivor groups when the cult survivor focus is on people who joined cults later in their years.

It's hard to get support when even many people will look at you with suspicion and hostility for being a minority on top of everything else.

I genuinely just feel incredibly ungrateful. People have told me things along the lines of:

"The world owes you nothing. You alone have to put in the work to better yourself", "we're all dealt different cards in life, what matters is how we react to it" and similar.

And honestly, they're right. Nobody has to care for me or help me even slightly, what is important is if I can be a good person and make a good life despite all of that. I'm not special in the slightest and even if I have a worse starting point I must push through anyways like everybody else.

But I have these deeply selfish desires anyways.

Desires about having a family, a childhood, or people who would genuinely be there for me. Or maybe some legal help or help with daily life, even people who can help with paperwork.

Truthfully I would cry if there were support groups I felt like I actually had a place in. Or if I could have a safe living situation for the first time in my life. Or even just rest.

Today I have nothing to complain about. I fell in love with another born-in cult survivor from Norway, someone I've known for my life journey since leaving the cult with plans to maybe move in with her. Perhaps the first and only person I've met who doesn't dismiss everything I've been through.

But even though she has an entire house in Norway that would be lovely to rest in... unfortunately immigration takes a lot of time and effort and most of all, energy. It's an uphill battle after my life has been nothing but battles. I still have to fill out myriads of papers, travel to different locations, prove myself etc. if I wanted to immigrate via marriage or cohabitation. I don't have anyone back in the US so I'm navigating homelessness.

And this is likely incredibly self centered to say but I just lack any energy anymore. I'm immensely burnt out after the 19 years of abuse. I should be happy at how fortunate my circumstances might be in the future. I'm going to soon be in a good place now. But I just don't know how many more ladders I can climb with only her as support.

I'm posting this vent as one of my last efforts to just reach out to more people who might understand, even though I'm quite frankly afraid. I feel so isolated, I feel so de-energized, and it's truly hard to keep the dark thoughts at bay. I know I can live a better life with enough effort but I'm not even sure how much I want to continue to exist in a world where I can barely even talk about what I went through with anyone, much less get any help beyond basic therapy with coping skills that helped me to stabilize emotionally, but that's it.

I just want to rest. I just need help before I can do things. I don't want to be strong anymore.