I just have this friend. He is such a safe space for me, literally. But whenever I'm with him, I always get the ache of missing him. The time ticks and we have to depart without knowing when to meet again. I wouldnt say this as uncertainity, but my inner child feels the safest with him and longs to be with him every time. Sometimes the urge is controllable and sometimes it breaks me down.
We travel via train. He decided to board. I left the platform. But the moment both of us depart, i just want to have that one last look. That quiet fleeting moment carries a weight that is inexplicable. Can only be felt.
I lost my appa four years back. Ever since I was a child I didn't receive any kind of love. Grew up in a toxic household. I hold a lot of insecurities. And with this person my heart found a small home. That makes me go back to him. My inner child feels terrible right now.
Children who grew up in broken homes carry this trauma for years. For some it gets fixed. For some, the search remains forever, only giving wounds that requires healing and acceptance and not happiness.