My boss ruined my friendships with my coworkers
I’m 26F and work in a corporate office. I report to 3 bosses who are middle aged men. My direct boss, (I’ll call him Brad) and I have a good relationship and I feel comfortable going to him for everything. However, he treats everyone else horribly.
Brad often backstabs and talks behind people’s backs. One time, he plotted for an entire year to get my other manager fired. He frequently makes fun of my coworkers and belittles them, but will be kind to their face. He has poor hearing, so he’s often unaware of how loudly he talks and that the entire office can hear him.
I work in a male dominated industry where my bosses tend to trash talk people, discuss politics (that don’t reflect my younger coworkers values), and share edgy humor. Being that I’m the only female in the office and am their personal assistant, I often feel pressured to laugh at their jokes or feel powerless to argue with their views. They often tell me I’m young and don’t know better.
I used to be close friends with my coworkers, Jason and Devon, (24M & 26M). We used to chat every day and they went out of their way to help me with everything. They even fixed my car tire when it went flat once.
2 years ago, my bosses were up to their usual antics and started a game where they made fun of Devon (while he was out of the room). It bothered me, but I felt outnumbered, so I just ignored it and focused on work. They were all chatting next to my desk and verbally made fun of Devon’s actions and appearance. They tried to rope me into it and I can’t recall exactly how I reacted, but I remember being quiet and saying “that’s rude” or “I don’t want to be involved.” I’m a shy, awkward person, so I may have forced a laugh because I felt so uncomfortable. I’m 99% sure that Devon overheard because I saw a glimpse of someone in the corner of my eye.
Ever since that day, Devon has not said one word to me. Our relationship hasn’t been the same since. He often glares, sighs, rolls his eyes, avoids me, leaves me on read, or does not speak when I say hello. I’m confident that he thinks I was in on it and that makes me feel so horrible. It hurts that he hates me so much now and doesn’t know the truth. I’ve been dying to explain, but I’m not positive that’s even the reason he hates me now. From then on, I felt so horrible about it, I decided I would speak up next time.
Well, Brad likes to have coffee and daily chats in my office with the door wide open. He started venting and making fun of Jason’s laugh and voice. He was relentless, and would go on for 5-10 minutes. I would tell him “that’s rude,” “please don’t say that,” I don’t want to be involved,” and “I don’t want to talk about this.” When that didn’t work, I just ignored him, acted busy, typed at my computer, and he would KEEP GOING. I tried my best to be direct, but it wasn’t working. I also struggled with the power imbalance and I felt uncomfortable talking down to my boss (still do).
It didn’t take long for Jason to shut down and not look me in the eye and avoid me. Even though it’s not my fault, I feel like a horrible person. I don’t feel like we are close enough for me to say, “hey, remember that time our boss talked sh*t about you? Well, I don’t think that way!” - especially if I’m not certain they over heard it.
I’ve been debating going to our HR department recently, but they aren’t very helpful (they don’t even take SA reports seriously). I also don’t want to make my job and relationship with my boss more difficult. I’m trying to find another career, but the job market is really tough right now, so I’m stuck in this situation.
I guess the reason I’m posting here, is I want to know if you think I handled this situation poorly and if I could have done better. Is any of this my fault or would you feel similarly in this kind of power dynamic?