anyone accidentally retraumatized themselves by talking about trauma while unstable?
So I was sitting in the car with my grandparents, for some reason they started ranting again about my father and that all their problems started back when my mom met him. My parents divorced 9years ago when i was 17. Very ugly divorce, we used to lock ourselves at night, lots of verbal abuse, but not where my trauma stems from. Back then i told my grandparents about the physical violence I grew up with and had to shut up about. i actually think i told them before too they wouldn't listen. Fast forward i did a lot of therapy and finished about 3 years ago, I'm getting married, i still have some things left which will take time to unlearn but all in all i was doing great. Heck a week before the car drive i was just thinking about how safe i feel and the total absence of this permanent shakey, fearful, dissociated feeling. You know what i mean, the deep rooted STRESS that never goes away.
In that damn car, my grandfather said at some point that I have to stop victimizing myself. Bear i mind after i set the boundary that I'm sick of talking about my parents and stating that my mom was i no way better then my dad. Which of course triggered me to tell them EXACTLY what happened, well graphically describing 2-3 traumatic scenes from my childhood. But i went FULL IN, feeling it again, to once and for all make them understand that I'm in fact not vicimizing myself but making very clear that I was afraid that they would beat me to death and that i felt like being tortured. I have no issues talking about my trauma but apparently sitting in the back of a car, after a stressful day, with a set of grand(parents) in front, overstepping my boundaries and just dumping their frustration on me, no possibility to just leave the situation, and also dependent on them as i had to get my train to drive back home IS NOT THE TIME, PLACE AND MINDSET to do so. I feel like i sent my child me into my traumata and did the exact opposite of what is done at traumatherapy. So now after 3 years i fall in and out of dissociation, dissociating to a point i didn't for a loong time. The constant fearful, stressed, unsafe feeling is back. I actually made it out after 5 days, then watched the movies sleepers and fell back in again. the slightest trigger trips me into dissociation. I never thought i could so easily be destabilized again.
So i am wondering, have some of you also retraumatized themselves in such a dumb and preventable way? Where you as suprised as I am?
Cuz damn the car ride was awful, but never in my wildest dreams would i have though that simply sitting at the back of my grandparents car would make such a huge difference in the outcome of remembering / talking ablout trauma. I figured it might be because of the child like position.