Don’t Let your Compassion for your Avoidant Ruin your Life!
It was the best relationship of my life; I know he loved me with all his heart. He showed me with acts of service; he was constantly spotting things that needed fixing, and fixed them. He gave so generously of his time. He gave me so many practical gifts, but never any sentimental gifts; the last thing he gave me was a hedge-trimmer.
I had never heard of Avoidant Attachment, so I just thought he was emotionally stunted and I was willing to accept that because the good far outweighed the bad.
My two main love languages are touch and words of affirmation. He did neither. During our last year together, we had sex twice at my instigation. There were never any spontaneous hugs, kisses, nothing. When we were first dating, he portrayed himself to be sexually “normal” by whispering to me all the things he wanted to do to please me. None of them ever happened. We used to make out for hours initially, and at the end it was just a quick, dry peck on the lips.
We were at a party and he told the hostess/his friend, that she was beautiful, twice in one night! He had never told me I’m beautiful in the whole two years. He never said I was pretty, smart, kind, fun, humorous…zero compliments. He would compliment my cooking, that’s about it.
I had a couple of heartfelt conversations with him regarding his lack of “libido”, and prefaced it with, “I will never hurt you. Your emotions are safe with me. I love you unconditionally”. He never did get his testosterone checked because I guess he knew that wasn’t the problem.
I was seriously unhappy being in a relationship with zero intimacy; I felt like best friends and nothing more.
But he was still, the kindest, most fun ,smartest, most attractive and caring boyfriend ever.
I thought long and hard about breaking up. My inner voice told me, “You can’t have everything”, and I was being shallow casting someone aside just for lack of intimacy. He was a fantastic boyfriend and person in every other way. I knew there was something keeping him emotionally stunted, and that it probably began in childhood. I looked at his baby picture and could only feel sorry for that beautiful little infant whose emotional needs were unmet. It wasn’t his fault!
As an aside: I read on these posts people vilifying their avoidants and calling them evil. That is not the case, and it’s unfair to paint them all with such a broad stroke. If they’re an a-hole avoidant they’d be an a-hole neurotypical. Jerks come in all personality types.
I was seriously considering the possibility of a life of celibacy and devoid of affection and intimacy with my otherwise perfect boyfriend. It was a decision of compassion, understanding (or so I thought) and unconditional love. I would sacrifice a huge part of my happiness for this otherwise perfect man I was certain (and still am) loved me with all his heart.
I trusted my boyfriend, as I told him later, a million percent. A strong, subconscious intuition led me, for the first time, to look at his phone, and there I discovered a romantic text sent to an ex-girlfriend (phantom ex). Another thing I learned from this forum was that he was bread-crumbing the ex. He texted nothing but links, with the odd “sweet dreams” sign-off, and the one romantic (for him) text (“Hug hug, kiss kiss” with two hearts emoji for Valentine’s Day). The timing of his first text to her coincided with my giving him an engagement deadline. It also coincided with him telling me not to plan anything too far in the future!
When I confronted him about, “who’s Laura?” He gave the old, “ She’s just a friend” excuse. I had to tell him, “I’m not stupid” twice before he gave up on that.
I was shocked, stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “I trusted you a million percent”. The second thing I said was, “What a dumbshit. You’ll never find anyone as good as me”, to which he exclaimed, “I know!” The third thing I said was, “We’re done!” And I meant it with every fiber of my being.
We endured the last day of our trip not discussing anything more about it, with only the most basic of topics discussed. Weather, bike path, lunch. It was a quiet 2.5 hour drive home. As soon as we arrived home, I gave him a final hug and told him that was our goodbye hug, although he didn’t believe it, and I was soon receiving texts about him coming over to fix this and that.
I told him I needed time and space and he said he would respect that. It’s been 7 weeks and over my dead body will he ever hear a peep from me again!
Reading all of your horrible experiences here on Reddit certainly reinforced my resolve!
After hours of research in this forum, I discovered he was actively in the devaluation stage of our relationship, soon to discard. He was getting ready to blindside me and break my heart. It would’ve been a devastating blow!
On this forum you sure learn a lot looking in the rear view mirror! Once, when I asked him what was the cause of his last breakup, he actually said she left oil to fry tacos out on the counter for days on end. That was the one bad thing he had to say. I’ve learned that the avoidants will find anything, no matter how small, to start the devaluation process.
I know for sure he loved me to the best of his ability, and he is (or shortly will be)mourning the best love he ever had. I do feel compassion.
On the other hand, I feel victorious and a non-victim. I know he was planning on blindsiding me, and breaking my heart with a pain unlike anything I had ever suffered.
I let my compassion almost ruin my life, as I was actually going to settle for a life starving for the smallest crumbs of affection from this otherwise perfect man.
That text changed everything. Educating myself with all of your experiences changed everything.
Of course it was a heartbreaking couple of weeks, but I’m moving on and healing.
I feel triumphant. I am NOT a victim!
I can’t believe I almost let my compassion be my undoing! I still look at his baby picture and feel so sorry for that little infant. But the only dynamic this kind of relationship leads to is: Kill or be killed!
Break up and stay no contact, or get deeply, deeply hurt!
Wishing you all the strength and resolve to stay firm in your decision of no contact. Be the victor, not the victim!