I (28F) need to break up with my bf (33M) , but don't know how
First of, my apologies for the grammar mistakes English isn't my first language. But i really need to get some advice...
Me 28f and my bf 33m are dating for about 6 months now. He is super sweet and nice, he puts effort in me and shows thats he loves me. But for me the 'honeymoon phase' has ended and i'm realising i dont have the same feelings towards him as he does for me.
We had a talk a couple of days/a week ago. We had a little fight about a game we've played together the night before and there was tension built up between us. So when i went to him the next day he noticed i was still a little tense bc of it. He asked a couple of times if something was wrong and i answered with 'its all good lets just have a nice night together' but he obviously felt the tension.
So we talked, alot. There were topics mentioned like the things that bothered us and all. But while this was happening I started to realise how incompatible we're actually are. It almost kinda shocked me bc i didn't realised it at first. For example i really like to get married in the future (i'm not religious or anything but its just something i dream off). He expressed that its not something he really wants and only would do it for me, so it feels not genuine. Then there are the hobby's and mostly the daily things. He works in the music industry and enjoys it for the most part. But everytime i try to recommended a song he always shows disinterest or says 'know it, meh'. Apart from music , he doesnt really has any other things he does except for gaming which i do too. But we've had a couple of discussions and fights while gaming together. He's very competitive and likes too win in every game everytime even if its just a cozy game. But the things is he expects it from others too and when i dont extend to that 'level' he gets frustrated and becomes really mean and cold. Too a point where he wants to quit the game or goes silent. This was also mentioned while we were talking. After that I started to realise that we have almost nothing in common or have the same interests. Most of the time we dont have anything to talk about. And we're just gaming together, when i'm there or at home. He doesn't watch movies or series, so that topic is always off the table. He also doesn't really care about pop culture or anything thats 'new generation'. Everytime i bring something up he does know something about he has a habit to fact check me in a condescending kind of way. Even tho I fact checked myself beforehand to avoid this.
But the things that stayed with me the most was the fact that in those 6 months of dating i never once met one of his parents (he lives at home) and he told his mom (bc his dad is terminally sick I completely understand this part) just at the beginn of this month about me. Mind you i'm over alot at his place mostly and his parents are staying somewhere else bc there renovating the part of the house they sleep in. I've also never slept over, we've had sex but i've never stayed the night. It just doesn't sits right with me. Little side note: he hasn't met my parents bc my mom lives 1,5/2hours away and my dad is dead. He has met my sister and brother in law. I've also mentioned to him that it bothered me that in the 6 months were dating we've gone out 2 times. And one time was our first date. He isn't the going out too eat or shop kinda guy but I expected to go out on walks more often or other simple things. He aslo had a couple of things that bothered him about me , which made sense. Things like how i sometimes react faster than think. His main thing (were we've had discussions about in the past) is that he sometimes feels i make situations about me. He feels like i counter him with words and go in defence real quick bc of it. I understand this and acknowledge it bc i know i can do this. But in the past (and still) he has a tendency to bring it up everytime i try to give him advice or support him with experience. He throws it at me in situations where he ASKS for advice and experience.
Here's where i may be a little naive.. when we were having that talk he suddenly asked me 'what do you want?' I asked him what he meant bc it was random in between the conversation. He explained he got a feeling i 'made my decision already'. I kinda froze and kept looking straight forward. So much went through my head , including the differences. The only thing i could say was that I didn't know, he then said that that normally says more than enough. But after that asked me again, i kept repeating that I didn't really know. It was silent for a couple of seconds. He then stood op and excused himself to the toilet. While he was gone i sat there and was thinking so much that everything went almost blank and I couldn't think anymore. When he came back , he sighed and said 'sooo' to break the silence. He was looking at me the whole time and thats when guilt came in. I felt so guilty i made him feel like this. He was moving the whole time while talking and rubbing his legs to calm himself down. He asked again what the deal was now. Deep down, i knew its not the match i hoped for like i did in the beginning, bc puzzel pieces came together. And i did in fact made my decision. But the guilt i felt atm was so overwhelming. He then asked straight after if i wanted to stop dating or keep moving forward. And i just said 'i want to work on it'. While deep down i wasnt going to make myself happy with this decision. He then took a really deep breath and started to cry. I've never seen him cry so it took me off guard a little. He expressed that he's so relieved and was so afraid of loosing the thing we can have. He also said that when he excused himself for the bathroom he actually threw up. Which made my guilt even bigger. He said too do the things i expressed and give me space, so no more excessive texting, not getting frustrated over a game and take me out more all those things. But its just making the situation even harder.
Were now almost a week later, the last time i went to his place was 5 days ago. I currently have vacation so i'm doing things and going out with friends. He does text me less and let me do my thing, but it's clarifying that i dont love him the way and amount that he does. The whole struggle is that i'm afraid to break up. Not for my safety or anything but the fact that i'm ruining his feelings. He expressed in the past months that he doesn't really has alot of people he hangs with or talks too about his feelings, just his best friend who sometimes is there when i'm over too. But he doesn't talk about emotions towards him too. He said he doesn't really talk about feelings with his parents too. With that he expressed that he has episodes of depression. So i'm partly scared he wont talk and it would make him miserable/do stupid things. I read alot of things where people say that his feelings after are not my responsibility, but i'm too much of an empath to think like that. Bc i know he loves me, but i cant return that type of love too him.
I know what to do but not what to say, its making my head heavy and i dont want to become so frustrated and annoyed that i 'snap' at him and do it while fighting. I cant bare the thought of telling it to his face and see him completely shatter..
I've never bin in this position before only on the other side of it.
How do i break up without hurting him?