u/HomemQueque

So I am going to try to be brief, but its difficult.
So I met my girlfriend in Highschool. I fell in love a few months after meeting her, was her bestfriend for two years, she had boyfriends. After she broke up with a boyfriend I confessed my feelings, she said she wouldn’t want to ruin the friendship. I moved on. When I got a girlfriend, she declared herself. She then moved out of the country and we only skyped for a year and a half. After this, she returned and we started dating. This was in 2017. We dated for 5 years.  She was clearly my bestfriend, she was my partner. But I always felt a bit “trapped” in our relationship. First because I had been chasing her for years, so I couldn't break it up in the first few months, and then, because she is insecure as a person, I always felt like I couldn’t even talk about the future of our relationship because she would assume I was planning on breaking up. I never really wanted to break up, in fact the only thing that made me question it, was me not wanting to be “married” without being married.
We are catholic and in a conservative environment, and look at dating as a path to marriage, so, after 5 years, we were kind of on a point where we both felt that it would be make it or break it… I did love her. But I didn’t WANT to marry her. I didn’t want to marry her just because it was the next logical step. So… even though I loved her, we broke up.

I was single for a year and a half, met a few girls. Realized that a lot of thing I assumed everyone had, only my ex had. Realized that what everyone was looking for was pretty much what I had: a best friend that I want to have sex with.
During the time we were off, we were truly no contact for three months… the rest of the time we sometimes met (we share lots of friends) and sometimes hooked up. She would text me, I would text her… when we met, she flirted, I flirted, then we would agree to give more space…. But we never really did.

After a year and a half, we got back together. When we broke up I was scared of living resentful if I never questioned my relationship, at that point I feared regretting not giving it a second chance. We agreed on kind of starting over and addressing everything that needed to be addressed. No pressure: Despite what could be imagined from the outside, coming back was not a marriage, and we were again just dating.

It’s been a year and a half. We don’t have any problems. I love her. I think she is beautiful, sweet, she has a good good heart, I think she would be a good mother to my children. We are compatible in almost every aspect. She is easy to please and uncomplicated. I care deeply about her. In fact, beyond my mother she is the person I care most for in the world. She loves me, I love her. My sweet, lovely M.
Buuut… she is 28. And she wants to marry me. She says she doesn’t need to marry me right now… but she would like me to “guarantee” that in a year or two that happens. For me that is marriage…. If I promise to marry her in a few years, I would just propose….

The thing is, somedays I am looking for rings, somedays I just want to be “free”. I want to travel the world, to make my own stories. She knows me since I became a man. She knows everything that I am and have done. (And loves me like that… which is beautiful and hard to find) For me it’s too soon. Marrying (for me) means making her and our family the center of my life.

I am a curious guy. I like to know everything about everything. That includes other people. I have to confess that I am curious about knowing other girls.

I really wish I would really WANT to marry her. I really do. And maybe that’s enough… some days I just think that I love her so much/care so much for her that I could simply marry her. I could do it for her. And maybe that is just what it takes. Maybe this is how the rest of the world marries and waiting/wanting to be sure and certain and a marriage drive is a lie on Instagram….

I have always been honest with her. She is perfectly aware of my state of mind.

I am really lost and haven’t slept alright in months…. I can see a stable happy life with the love of my life, but at the same time I dream of a life of adventures and novelty.

I’m trying to understand: Is this kind of fear before marriage normal, or does it means I shouldn’t be in this relationship?

TL;DR: I deeply love my girlfriend and can genuinely see a happy future with her, but I can’t tell if my hesitation about marriage means she isn’t “the one” for me, or if I’m just scared of giving up freedom, novelty, and the unknown. I’m terrified of losing the best relationship I’ve ever had, but also terrified of waking up one day resentful that I settled down before I was ready.