Feeling a bit overwhelmed
I hate my body so meeting new people for anything makes me nervous, I go to the gym and I know I have put on some muscle and lost a little weight. I factually understand this, but I still feel like a gross blob. I work all the time in a mentally draining job which makes me feel even worse. At 38 I feel like I haven't accomplished anything worth doing and I push everyone away cause I don't feel worth their time. I feel like the fact that I am a bottom makes it harder to date in general, mixed with the current shitty "dating" culture. I'm frustrated and angry all the time, which just swings into depression cause it's easier to manage. I feel like a mess everyday anymore and I have a hard time finding the joy in the mundane. I'm lonely, especially at night when I am trying to sleep so I have to listen to anything just to not think about it. I make to much and too little to get any form of therapy, and the few people I can talk to about, I don't, maybe it's cause I think they won't listen or I don't want to bring them down as well.
I know it could be worse, I am mostly healthy, have a roof over my head and food in my belly. So I am grateful, but some days just hurt to get through lately. Just needed to vent a little, if only for catharsis.