I have no idea where to start. I’m a failure. I can’t even say I’ve wasted any potential. I never had any potential to begin with. I’m plagued by thoughts that only remind me of how undisciplined I am. I spend money on therapy and antidepressants, and in reality, all I do is lie in bed and sleep. And the funniest part is that I want to achieve perfection, which I know doesn’t exist anyway. I want to do everything perfectly down to the smallest detail, and if I don’t, I’m just wasting my time. I’m obsessed with the idea that I’m stupid, that I don’t think straight, and that I’ll never be able to push past my limits. It bothers me so much that I still put myself in the role of the victim, that I still justify my behavior based on childhood traumas that weren’t even that serious.
I know what I need to do. I know I need to get out of the house, go for a walk, and read if I want to improve my vocabulary, but I don’t do any of it. I’m not consistent because all these activities seem pointless to me. I waste time on my phone even though I set limits on my apps. Why? Because I don’t want to take responsibility for my life. And it sounds so childish and wrong that I can’t believe I’ve become so immature at 23.
I’m always waiting for the right moment. For what? I don’t even know. I know it’s not coming. I know no one is going to save me, and I know that all this negativity will never free me from the prison of my own mind.
I’m ashamed of my therapist and my psychiatrist. They’re incredible people whom I’m letting down in a way that’s unfair, because I’m so ashamed to admit that I feel completely helpless.
I want to be okay, but I want it without having to try, and I feel really bad about feeling so sorry for myself.
All the advice I read here is more than helpful, but I don’t respect myself enough to put it into practice, and I know that one of my biggest mistakes is that I don’t appreciate at all the most important things in my life — namely, that I’m healthy, that my parents support me as much as they can, and that I have opportunities I choose to turn down without a second thought.