I want to go back, but it’s toxic.
Hello, I am asking the wider community for their opinions on this situation.
I M18, had been in an on-off long distance relationship for ten months, with Sierra\* F17. Things were really good at the start. We met online gaming. She lives at the top of the country, while I live at the bottom.
Throughout our ten months Sierra has shown some troublesome behaviours. I turned a blind eye because I’m a shy, awkward, bigger guy with red hair, and honestly I don’t think I can do better than her. She was also my first everything. First girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first… well everything.
She had this habit of giving me the silent treatment, instead of talking about what I’d done to upset her. I’m a very mellow guy. I don’t like to upset anyone, so I’d never upset her intentionally. Sierra would constantly pick arguments, or make up fictional situations and then be angry with me about it.
I deleted most of my friends to make her happy, and gave her all of my passwords to prove my loyalty because she’d been cheated on before. She would open and respond to snapchats from my siblings and other family members, which upset my eldest sister because it was usually pictures or videos of my young nephew, and my sister is weird about strangers and child endangerment.
One time Sierra accused me of having a girlfriend, and when I said I didn’t, she threw it back in my face saying “Well I guess I’m just nothing to you then.”
She then ignored me for days.
I also sent her money. A lot of money. Most of the money I was earning actually. I still owe my parents money for board because I fell behind due to giving Sierra money all the time.
Sierra doesn’t have a job, nor does she go to school. So I felt that I was doing the right thing by gifting her money to buy herself anything she wanted.
I noticed that every time I sent her money, she would suddenly start treating me nicely and not ignoring me.
Earlier this year I took a trip to go and see her. I spent 2 weeks with her. It was heaven. Suddenly all of the red flags didn’t matter. I was due to go and visit her last week, but that didn’t happen.
Two weeks ago, I travelled to my sister’s house. We hadn’t seen each other for months. I warned Sierra that I’d probably be a little quiet due to spending time with my family. She’d been really hot and cold with me anyway, not wanting to do our nightly calls, leaving me on delivered or open, or only giving me one word answers. Things have been tense at home for her, so I didn’t expect her to be overly chatty.
My mum, sister, brother in law, cousin and I were going to a concert. So we’d spent the day driving to the city, checking into our motel, and getting ready for the concert. We got to the concert and found out that we weren’t allowed to take photos or videos of the performance. My phone was on silent.
In the intermission I checked my phone. I had multiple messages from Sierra. All of them were berating me for “ignoring” her, despite the fact that she had been ignoring me for weeks and she knew I was spending time with my family. She then asked if I wanted her to break up with me. She was constantly threatening to break up with me over every little thing. She called me names, threatened our relationship, and then told me not to bother visiting her the following week. She then started repeatedly calling me. My cousin took my phone and put it under her leg so I didn’t have to feel the calls and messages coming through.
I’d been looking forward to this concert for months. It was the last concert before the artist went into retirement, so it was kind of a big deal.
When the concert ended I told my sister what had been happening. She talked to me, and after I told her some of the red flags, she told me that it was toxic and emotionally abusive. When Sierra messaged me and said, “So that’s it then? You want to break up?”
I handed my phone to my sister and asked her to say yes. My sister blocked her on all socials, responded to the text message with “Yep” and then blocked her number. It was definitely wrong of me to ask my sister to do it, but I honestly didn’t have the willpower. Sierra then blasted my phone for four days from her parents’ and brother’s phones, then on No-Caller-ID when I’d blocked everybody’s number.
I know I’m not entirely innocent here. I really shouldn’t have let my sister get involved, but I was so lost and heartbroken.
When we were together Sierra never even asked me how my day was. Anytime I tried to talk about something she’d done to hurt or upset me, she’d tell me “Don’t start. I already have enough on my plate.” but she was allowed to have a dig at me whenever I’d done something to upset her. Everything was about her. I wasn’t even allowed to have friends.
There was a time when she had friends over, and we normally message constantly when I’m not at work. So we were messaging a lot, and then I noticed that her replies were taking longer to come through. So I told her I’d let her go so she could enjoy her time with her friends. It wasn’t intended to be taken maliciously, because I had no malicious intent at all. I just didn’t want her to feel like she had to respond if she was busy. But she told me that I was being too needy and to stop making her feel guilty for spending time with her friends. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean for her to take it like that, but she wouldn’t let me talk.
I’m so lost. I miss her so much, but I don’t know if it’s the loneliness or whether I actually miss her. I can’t go back to her. I’ve told my whole immediate family about how she treated me, so they’d never accept her. I’m the youngest, so everyone is extremely protective.
My head is telling me that she’s showing toxic behaviours, but my heart is telling me to go back and give it another go. What if it’s different? What if I try harder to make her happy? What if she changes some of her behaviours? What if it’s better?