Sexual shame, patriarchy, or something else?
I don’t know if this is as closely tied to the church as I am thinking, but I have had such a hard time with intimacy with my husband for most of our marriage. It was good for the first couple years before it started to go downhill. I want to preface this with two things: 1) my husband is kind and loyal, and very devoted to the church and our family, 2) he grew up with a fair amount of manipulation at home, which I’m sure he learned along the way even though he can look back and see the trouble in his own growing up.
I wrote something to describe our conversations but flipped it around and substituted eating tuna casserole (which he doesn’t like) for physical intimacy, sort of like Amy McPhee Allebest did with “Dear Mormon Man.” I’d be interested to hear your take on it. Can you relate? Does it seem like church-based sexual shame? Patriarchy? Something else entirely? The format is like a conversation between spouses, starting with the same partner each time.
PS - please be kind. I am not looking for anyone to bash anyone (including my husband, he’s trying but just can’t seem to understand my perspective). I’m looking for solutions, shared experiences, or maybe just a little empathy.
“Tuna Casserole”
Hey, I made tuna casserole for dinner tonight
Ok, I’ll eat it for you
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I made tuna casserole again
Ok, I’ll eat if for you
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I made tuna casserole tonight
Again? You know I don’t really like it, right?
Yeah I know, but I do
Ok, I’ll eat it for you
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I made tuna casserole
We just had it a few days ago
I know, I wanted some more
Ok, I’ll eat it for you
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Hey, I made tuna casserole
I think I’ll pass tonight
But we used to eat tuna casserole a lot, and you seemed to like it?
Yeah, that was back when we were young, had high metabolisms, and I was soooo hungry. I felt like I hadn’t eaten for like 6 years…
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I made tuna casserole
What if I don’t want tuna casserole today?
Well, I made it for us…
Ok, I’ll eat if for you
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I made tuna casserole today
No thanks, I don’t want any
Why not? Don’t you love me?
I do love you, I just don’t feel like tuna casserole today
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I made tuna casserole for dinner
Maybe another night, I’m not feeling it tonight
But I already made it and I want to eat it with you
Fine, I’ll eat it for you
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I made tuna casserole
I don’t want any
What? MY tuna casserole isn’t good enough for you? I feel really bad that you don’t want it
No, it’s not YOUR tuna casserole. It’s any tuna casserole. I don’t want any tuna casserole today.
Well I still feel bad
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I made tuna casserole
I don’t want any, but you can eat it all you want.
But I don’t want to eat it by myself, I want you to eat with me
Ok, I’ll eat it for you
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I made tuna casserole. I know you say you don’t like it, but you sometimes seem happy by the time we are done with dinner
Well, I’m not really a fan of actually eating tuna casserole, but I do feel some satisfaction when I’ve got a full stomach, so that’s something
See! You do like tuna casserole
That’s not what I said. It’s a bit of a means to an end type of thing for me
But if the end result is good, wouldn’t you want to eat it more often?
Not if I can get to a similar end result eating something else…
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I made tuna casserole
I’m getting kind of tired of you continuing to ask me to eat tuna casserole with you. Could we have something else?
I guess…but I really wanted tuna casserole. I’ll be sad if we don’t eat it
Ok, I’ll eat it for you
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I made tuna casserole
I don’t really like tuna casserole
I know, but I maybe if you try making it for me then you’ll like it
If I don’t like it when you make it, why would I like it when I make it?
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Hey, why don’t you ever make tuna casserole for me?
Because I don’t really like it…
So? I like it, and you should like it too. You just need to eat it more often
We have it pretty regularly, and I don’t like it any more than I did before so I’m not sure that’s it
No, I’m pretty sure if you just try harder you will start to like it more
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I made tuna casserole
No thanks, I’ll pass
If you don’t eat with me, I might start going to dinner with someone else to eat tuna casserole. We don’t want that to happen, right?
Yeah, we don’t want that…I guess I’ll have some
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…(them)
Hey, could we maybe plan for when you are going to make tuna casserole, just so I know and aren’t surprised? I’ll eat it with you, but sometimes it’s disappointing to show up expecting one thing and ending up with tuna casserole again.
Sure, I guess. I’d rather have random tuna casserole dinners though. Planned tuna casserole is lame.
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Hey, I waited two whole weeks before asking you to eat tuna casserole with me. Do you mind if we have it for dinner tonight?
Sure, you’ve been pretty patient
I haven’t, haven’t I? I knew you would like it tonight if I waited
That doesn’t mean I like it, I am just willing to honor your sacrifice by eating with you.
Wait, you still don’t like it? I thought you’d have gotten over that if we took a break
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I made tuna casserole
I think maybe tuna casserole isn’t good for me. A lot of the time I don’t feel great after
Maybe you just need to take some probiotics or something to help with that. Something in your body is just off
Yeah, maybe that’s it. Something wrong with me
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My fear:
…(them)
(post stomach cancer surgery) Sorry, I can’t eat tuna casserole anymore. I know how much you like it, but I just can’t. Literally don’t have a stomach
Well now what are we supposed to do? I thought that was how we connected. Maybe this isn’t going to work out. If you don’t figure something out, I’ll probably end up finding someone else to eat tuna casserole with
What am I supposed to do, get a new stomach?
I don’t know, try something. Anything. All the things. I’m sure if you put in enough effort, you can figure it out
And if I don’t?
Well, that may be the end of the line then… better start researching. You’ve got about 6 months based on my hunger levels