Hi everyone!
I'm a cis male (I think), 22 years old.
Let me start off by saying that this will be a weird post, and it's not for attention. I'm genuinely confused with my own identity. I'm sorry if the way I word things aren't the best, I have a deep respect for this community and more than once I've questioned myself if I belong here or if I'm overanalyzing things.
I've lived my entire life presenting as and identifying as a male, and it is the gender I was assigned at birth.
In real life, I present myself as male physically. I have a deep voice and I don't have any desire to make it sound different. I am comfortable in my body and I like being male. I don't look in the mirror and think "I look wrong". I just look like me, you know?
But if I could give all that up in a second, I would.
You know the magic button test? Where if you had the option to change gender magically instantly, if you'd do it or not? I would, and I feel like my life would be better and I'd enjoy it better that way, even though I'm comfortable with my own body right now.
So, I'm a very feminine person. I'm drawn to things normally associated with women, I love flowers, nature, all kinds of arts, I'm very into psychology, my favorite color is pink.. I exclusively use female avatars online, exclusively pick female characters in videogames, all my profiles in all social media is very cutesy, feminine looking. I use the color pink everywhere I possibly can. And yes, I know that pink isn't exclusive to women, but this is just to illustrate my point a bit better.
My friendships are majority women. I don't like being friends with men, I just don't identify with them, I don't get along well with them. I don't like most things that men are into. I just click so much better with women and feel so much more comfortable with them. However, this doesn't stop me from being friends with men - I don't hate men. I love my male friends and I care about them deeply, it's just that it's much easier for me to be friends with women.
In online spaces, I like being called she/her before anyone gets to hear my voice or see what my face looks like. It feels good to be called she/her. But when my voice comes into question, then it starts feeling unnatural and I'd rather be called he/him. I like it better when random internet strangers refer to me as she/her, however, I'm also fine with he/him otherwise. For some reason I don't like they/them, it has to be either one or the other. It feels wrong for me to put she/her in my bios online because it feels like I'm lying even though I'm comfortable with that pronoun.
I feel like if I could change my body magically into a woman everything would be so much better for me, things would be easier for me, I would fit in with myself better and things would make more sense - but again, I'm happy with what I am NOW. It's almost like I'd be fine with being either gender, but without a doubt I'd switch to being a woman because I prefer it a lot more.
One time in high school, when I used to have longer hair, a teacher referred to me with female pronouns and I didn't correct him, because I didn't feel the need to, I didn't feel disrespected or wronged in being called the wrong pronouns - It didn't matter to me. He correct himself after he heard my voice but I just didn't care what he had called me. I liked that he called me she/her in that moment internally, even though I felt and still do feel male, especially IRL.
This part of me is mostly reserved for online. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of the freedom of being anonymous? Like I could be anything I want?
When I think about transitioning, it's just not something I think I would do. I don't think about doing it and I'm not interested in doing it - for me it's either all or nothing, you know? I don't wanna risk losing the comfort of my current life and trade it for something else that I would also be comfortable with, even more so than what I currently am.
I feel like sexuality doesn't matter as much since this is a gender question, but I'll also add that I'm attracted to women romantically and sexually, but not to men.
I'm sure I've missed some other points but I'm trying to keep this as respectful as possible. Please understand that I am aware gender identities are not exclusively what society has deemed as a norm and people are what they are without having to fit into a perfectly uniform box -- this is why gender nonconformity exists. I have expressed here that I don't feel comfortable being called she/her when people look at me or hear my voice because those present as masculine as per society's norms. If this could be explained better to me, I would appreciate it. I would also like to say that I do not and never will discriminate against anyone for how they present themselves - the way that I feel is how I feel about myself and is why I'm trying to figure these things out by asking this question here today. It's very confusing writing and understanding this, so I get it if it's confusing for you too.
I think the best way to describe me would be Male GNC, but again, why do I feel like I want to be a woman and would easily switch magically if I could, but at the same time, I like being a guy and I am comfortable being one? It's just so weird. i’m not looking for a label, just perspectives from people who’ve felt similar.