Getting Jumpscared by Gender
Weird title but it's as it says. For me, I use all pronouns and rotate them as I please, and kindof see the world through an Agender lens. To me people are no more than a collection of their preferences - think of how people with Propagnosia memorize a voice or haircut in lieu of seeing faces, and that's how I experience the world as an Agender person. It's like my brain doesn't truly understand others have a gender, even though I'm aware of it and ofc respectful of it. But when someone says 'I'm a woman', my brain doesn't really compute that, so it's like "Ah, this person prefers she/her pronouns, she likes more masculine clothes, does xyz for work and her favorite color is orange." Then that's how I remember people. But their gender doesn't jumpscare me often, since they tend to talk about it a lot.
It's fellow Androgynous people that jumpscare me most often.
I can find remembering or being around someone with strong sense of gender kindof tiring, so when I'm talking to or around people that are Agender or Androgynous and go by any pronouns, it's like my brain feels like it can relax. There's nothing about me compared to these people I need to remember to be aware of. I'm allowed change how I refer to them 3 times in one sentence if I want to, like I would for myself, and it's freeing and peaceful.
Some Androgynous people around me, however, will go by all pronouns but are not Agender. Totally fine. I'll just be watching them having fun existing as a human in human clothes and thinking 0% about gender, but then I'll have a random moment of clarity where I glitch and my brain suddenly is like 'AH he's a man!' and it genuinely catches me so off guard, I feel myself flinch or jump a little before I remember I'm *allowed* to be calling them other pronouns even though they identify as a man. I just find it so easy to genuinely forget they have a gender when using all pronouns for someone. It occasionally happens with men or women who aren't andro who rarely discuss their gender as well, because the pronouns they prefer become background noise without tons of discussion about their gender itself, but it's most commonly the Andro people I know that this happens with.
It's like the clarity you get when you randomly remember fundamental things about life that you DO know, like that your cousin grew this kid you're holding, but then you're suddenly hyper aware of it at the forefront of your brain with no rhyme or reason as to why. Like suddenly remembering life is real and you exist.
It doesn't happen a lot, but when I do remember someone who isn't strongly attached to their gender has one, it yanks me out of my little agender bubble of complete gender non-existence and jumpscares me. I always feel a little bad for forgetting they have a gender, even if they aren't strongly attached and I'm otherwise respectful.
I was just curious if anyone else has had this experience, or if it was just me. 🤷😂 Happened again tonight and reminded me I wanted to ask on here.