TL;DR: I had a knock-down drag out fight with my spouse and I'm looking for advice for how to forgive and move forward.
I 38F have been with my spouse (41M) for 15 years. We have disagreements, like most, but have worked on our communication over the years and can resolve most issues without raising voices. We rarely will have a more intense disagreement but we always come back together to a good place.
Last week, my spouse had a hard day. I made a suggestion that was taken as criticism, and all hell broke loose. He yelled and got really upset in front of our children. He included the children in the argument, which is a red line for me. I'm not innocent in this, I got heated and asked him to leave probably louder and more forcefully than I should have. He is very much not a yeller or a fly off the handle kind of guy, it was extremely outside of his normal behavior.
When he got home later and after our kids were asleep, we got really into it. He kept attacking me for multiple things, from issues that I thought we had resolved peacefully over the years--it all came out. It eventually got to the point where he kept antagonizing me (belittling me, saying nasty things over and over, intentionally gaslighting me) and I screamed it him "F*** you" and screamed at him to leave me alone. I have never once cursed at him in anger in our entire relationship. Not one time. We don't name call, we don't belittle, we don't say things we can't take back--it just isn't how we communicate.
Eventually, we both cooled off. He apologized and took full responsibility for the scope and scale of the argument. He admitted it was due to factors outside of our relationship and that my statement didn't warrant the response that it received. This was a good but... I am just having trouble moving forward.
I keep having flashbacks the argument. Things we said. How we acted. How he acted. I am so hurt that he brought old resolved issues into this--I feel like I can't trust when he says he forgives or that he is comfortable with how a disagreement ended, like he'll throw it back in my face at any moment. I feel like I can't get it out of my head, and the entire context of our relationship feels different now. Is there a way I can help myself heal? I don't want to keep asking for apologies when I've already accepted his, but I just feel so heart broken.