u/Honest-Review-4706

uuufffrhhhh. context: im 19d heds diagnosed but i dont have much symptoms. also epilepsy plus overpriced medication that makes me sleep 18 hours a day. (haven’t had a seizure in over a year and have yet to have one triggered by any of the things mentioned in this post)

i like to experiment with drugs on occasion. yes i am well aware at how stupid that is yes i deserve whatever consequences but i mean come onnnnn

i hear stories constantly of ex addicts who were going on month long meth/coke binges and are somehow totally fine now. i do one thing at a dose so low that i feel nothing and the next day im wondering if im having heart palpitations.

i dont even drink!!!!

i have fun dancing and walking around all day ONCE and now i have to spend the rest of rhe week on borderline bedrest because i cant walk without a limp. i wqsnt even doing anything crazy!! like white girl dancing for probably an hour total while taking frequent breaks and now ouuucch my legs.

without heavily relying on caffeine ill sleep the entire day, without constantly taking ibuprofen or whatever painkiller available i cant seem to do much of anythijg without wanting to quit and lay down after an hour. but if i keep taking whatever painkillers ill probably fuck up my liver as well.

and unfortunately stimulant drugs make the pain so much better and remove the constant weighted blanket of anhedonia and fatigue thats led me to become a borderline shut in so many times. but since id like to live past 40 thats just not an option for me i guess.

ive had symptoms like this in the past from other stims and ignored it as some sort of hangover but upon learning that this is in fact not a common experience i realize i probably should not have ignored them so much..

im so sick of this i just want to have fun and be normal.

obviously avoiding stimulants for the foreseeable future. also going to try and switch to half decaf coffee in the morning just for good measure. but college starts again in a week so ill have to hope and pray that i can gwt anything done without falling asleep. i enjoy a bit of nicotine here and there, probably an average whopping three cigarettes a week!!! but i think i should probably quit that as well.

maybe ill readjust, maybe i can just mentally power through all of this and still be able to get decent grades, and also do things with friends, and get a job on the side, and not just lay around in bed all day but so far ive yet to achieve any of that without some sort of crutch. be it an insane amount of caffeine, a friends adderall, an occasional cigarette, or, for a short while, kratom. but that seems to be getting banned everywhere so not an option anymore anyways.

UUURRRFFFFHHH I NEEEDD A. QUILL SO BAD RN I THOUGHT I WAS SO FUCKING LUCKY BUT ITS BEEN LIKE WAY TOO LONG AND NO QUILLS FML

typing this to both distract myself and also as an output other than my usual method (punching myself, isolating, various other things). like three times now ive posted photos of my friend in the gc without asking her first thinking they were just funny or just now one with botu of us in it that i rhought was cute and she got pretty upset. i had wrongly assumed it was fine since she often sent goofy pgotos of herself all the time but obviously not. i fucked up, i deleted it and apologized, thats all i can do. womp womp. im not the best at respecting boundaries it seems, or at least i forget them soon after learning, and thats just that i guess. i can improve, i know i can, but i made a mistake same as anyone else. punching myself or sending hundreds of manic apology texts isnt going to change anything and will most likely make the situation way worse.

i am uncomfortable right now, im reallt really craving some sort of release, to do what my brain wants me to but im trying to resist.

i just never reallt know what to do durinf this time to get over it.

tldr; ai fear making it hard to work/causing family issues and watching old movies makes me miserable and i hate computers and the passage of time and also my dad

my ocd has gotten wayyyyy better than it used to be but this aspect persists. mine is more pure o so not much compulsions bur a lot of obsessing.

im only 19 but since around the age of 7, whenever my ocd got bad and i was competent enough to think about the passage of time and the differences between the present and the past. id become obsessed with how much i disliked the present for whqtever reason. i would scream and cry on any new years eve or my birthday because it horrified me. when my ocd got progressively more existential it hust got worse.

when i was obsessed with climate change along with that came the fear of rhe advancement of technology. i used to wish to be amish so id never use a computer. i would desperately try to be as offline as possible but due to me having been actually very online since about age 10 that was quite hard. not to mention how interwoven it is with basically everything now, another thought that horrifies me.

when ai became a thing i got incredibly close to attempting yk what because it was literally my all time greatest fear. and now with all the climate issues its causing you can only imagine my feelings on the matter.

extra doesnt help that my dads startup software company, the sole thing preventing me and my mom from being homeless, is ai based.

since i havent had an actual job before due to mental and physical health issues, and the current job market is so shit, hes having me do a summer internship thing at the company. its just doing random tasks here and there, after months of telling me about it hes only just actually started it (and given me basically zero instruction or training or anything so despite beinf easy its very stressful).

it also involves using ai, he is very pro ai and is constantly trying to get me to use it. when my ocd was worse i would have public panic attacks because of him bringing it up when i repeatedly asked him not to. im doing way better but ive been putting off some of the work because i just hate it so so much.

my family is finally regarding me as being like competent and normal and not worrying all thw time and i cant fuck that up by freaking out about this or trying to quit over something like this.

ive been watching movies with my mom lately, mostly stuff that she likes and has seen before. all movies from the 90s and earlier. i enjot them but after nearly every one im just left with a sense of horrible dread and depression at the fact that the world i saw there is gone forever and will never be like that again. its terrifying and im part of the problem.