I, F 32, recently moved in with my boyfriend, M 34, of about 3 years, and I’m starting to realize it has triggered a lot of unresolved feelings from my past that I don’t fully know how to handle.
Growing up, my family environment was extremely unhealthy and abusive physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was often treated like I was “weird,” overly sensitive, embarrassing, or difficult when in reality I’m autistic and just processed things differently. I was bullied heavily by family members growing up, and a lot of the adults around me either minimized it or blamed me for it.
One memory that still sticks with me is when my brother and cousin locked me outside in the snow because they thought I embarrassed them at school. I remember sitting outside crying, and at one point they poured boiling water on me to “help warm me up.” I eventually walked to a community center nearby, where adults gave me warm clothes and food and contacted child services. What affected me deeply was that my mom seemed more angry that outside people became involved than she was about what happened to me. There were also times growing up where, during anger, she said things like wishing she had aborted me or killed me.
Later on, after abuse and instability within my family, I became homeless and had to live with my aunt. During that time, I constantly felt reminded that I was “just a guest” and that the space wasn’t really mine. If she became upset with me, things she had done for me would get thrown back in my face. It made me feel very small and hyperaware of taking up space or becoming “too comfortable.” Now that I’ve moved in with my boyfriend, I’m noticing that certain situations immediately bring those feelings back. When conflict or emotional distance happens, my brain goes straight to “don’t get too comfortable,” “this isn’t really your home,” or “be ready to leave.”
Sometimes I even get the urge to pack my things up or emotionally detach from the space around me.The bigger issue is that I don’t feel very emotionally supported in the relationship sometimes, and I’m scared it’s slowly turning into resentment.
My boyfriend has a very playful, childlike personality most of the time, and while I know he doesn’t mean harm, serious conversations often get redirected into jokes, deflection, or unserious comments. There have been times where I’ve tried to talk about loneliness, trauma, sadness, or things from my childhood, and the response becomes humor or random jokes instead of emotional support. When that happens, I immediately shut down and stop talking because it feels like my feelings are too uncomfortable or unimportant. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I have to be visibly crying or completely overwhelmed before my emotions are actually taken seriously. I understand one person cannot fulfill every emotional role in someone’s life, and I know relationships aren’t therapists. But I also feel like you should be able to talk to your partner about serious emotions sometimes without feeling dismissed or emotionally alone.
TLDR:
I guess I’m asking if anyone else has dealt with this kind of emotional disconnect in a relationship?
How do you address playful/joking deflection without sounding controlling or overly sensitive?
And how do you stop past trauma around instability and conditional support from bleeding into your relationship?