Executive functioning failure - multiple days per week
I have a question about executive functioning failure on a regular basis - I'm a senior executive at a medium-large corporation.
About me: Mid 40s male, ADHD-C (diagnosed 7 years ago). Currently unmedicated as awaiting a new titration on NHS Right-to-choose. Previous success with Methylphenidate (although if I take it for more than a month in a row, I suddenly plunge into a horrible state so I take 2 week breaks when on it). Don't get on with the amphetamines.
Simply put - if I don't sleep well / like I didn't wind down properly, or ate too late, or was exhausted from a long travel on a business trip, or <insert other similar reason here>, I lose my ability to focus on anything that I am meant to.
To elaborate: I struggle generally anyway. I make up for my lack of structured planning in general with a decent pool of talent and skill and there are others at work who muck in with project management and help me plan all the team activities on a week by week basis. I have a multitude of techniques that I employ such as bullet journaling, kanban boards, priority matrix etc etc. And with the help of tools like Focusmate.com I can generally set myself a few important tasks that I can complete each day, to "move the needle" on projects (apologies for the cringy corporation speak).
The issue I struggle with is what I call "down days". By this I mean that, for the reasons I gave above, there are days where I literally can do nothing more than sit at my computer and respond to messages, but get nothing of substance done. Often it feels like "waiting it out" until the evening when I put my son to bed and have dinner and get some well needed rest. Often, large blocks of time end up being spent on procrastination sites like Youtube and HotUkDeals.
Due to some medical issues that affect my sleep, I have more of these days than ideal. The biggest effect of these days is their effect on my mental health. I am a very conscientious person, with a heavy workload. There are only 8 hours in a day and 5 days per week. When my brain breaks down like this, I start to feel an enormous amount of self loathing/self hate. By the time I go to bed, the negative thoughts are quite overwhelming. I'm generally quite a happy and positive person. It's sad that my work life dictates my state of mind, but as a single earning household with a mortgage to pay and kid and wife to support, I can't help but feel this way.
Work values me a lot. It's an ADHD positive environment. It's obvious that there are several people in the business with ADHD- they're all quite high achieving / functional types. But when I watch / see them, I notice they are very much more consistently productive than I am. Don't get me wrong, they probably have their own weaknesses. I see there are company-wide issues with silo mentality and political conflicts between managers. And I am highly valued in the team. But there are times when I know I haven't gotten things done on time, and it's noticed now and then. Those times, I know I could have done those things in the time I had, it's just I had too many down days.
I wonder if anyone else relates to this. The only way around it is being militant about not overdoing it, winding down before bed, eating well, ensuring I have good routines and exercise, not overdoing it on business travel (like travelling by train instead of driving, during working hours, and not drinking in the week or when at a hotel).
I'm waiting for my new Methylphenidate titration - I do find that Methylphenidate can often turn a rubbish day into a less rubbish day, and an OK day into a good day, and a good day into an excellent day. Although as mentioned, if I take it for say, 1.5 months consistently, it's like my dopamine just runs out completely, and I have to take a break.
This turned into a bit of a long post, but I wanted to see whether this resonates with anyone. Thanks all!