u/Honest_Amoeba7281

Hello everyone.

I will go a bit into details (what I experienced) about my SA for the sake of clarity, so this could be triggering for some.

This is my first time posting in this subreddit, but I’ve been looking for a space like this to hear from others who went through similar situations and can maybe share their thoughts.

I was SA by my grandfather when I was a kid (8yo - 12yo). Then, around the age of 12, I started to understand that something was wrong and I felt super uncomfortable about my relationship with him, so I started hiding in every corner, locking myself in the bathroom, staying hours on the balcony, running away...
At that point I was already a teenager and by then, it was like all the memories of the abuse from the previous years were just a bad dream.

The first couple of years after he passed, when I was 14-15yo, I wasn’t able to associate those flashbacks/dreams with real memories. Then those flashbacks became more and more real, and at the same time I started acting like a “very problematic” teenager, which pushed my mother to send me to a psychologist.

Throughout the years, and with this “forced”therapy, these memories became part of my story and I accepted them as real.
The fragmented pieces of memories I had at that point were very specific, as I could remember noises, part of what he was saying to me, what I was wearing in that specific situation, how was the room smelling like, etc.

For years, these fragments were always the same, nothing new came out. Then, at 21yo, I did a period of EMDR therapy and few months later, when I moved out of country and went to live abroad, new flashbacks came out all together.
Once again I found myself questioning wether those memories were real or just a result of my own imagination.
I had to reprocess them and eventually acknowledge them too.

Now, at 26yo, I am still thinking, processing, and trying to make order to all of these fragments in my head but I feel like there’s a big part of the trauma that is still missing and I can’t get access to.

Just recently I went through a major burnout and my mental health reached its lowest. Right in the middle of this period, new “pictures” and flashbacks popped up in my head, but this time the memories felt mine and seemed clearer. It feels like it will never end.

I was just now thinking about the fact that when I was a kid, and also throughout my teenage years, I suffered from severe and chronic UTIs and this is now making me question whether I was also repeatedly r*ped besides being touched, rubbed against, and forced to do things.
In these couple of weeks, this has been a pressing topic for me, and I can’t seem to let it go anymore.

I am really exhausted from these fragmented memories, the never ending feeling of being a victim, the questions, the stress of not being able to put all the pieces together. I really just want to be able to remember it all and try to build a life.

For this reason I’m here now asking if someone has experience with any approach or technique, or specific therapy that worked for getting access to those traumatic memories that our brains hide from us.
(Considering that EMDR hasn’t really helped me much)

I understand that sometimes there is no need for going back and seek for more traumatic memories, but I personally feel that I have to remember the most relevant moments, so that I can try to move forward.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I appreciate any input and i hope the post wasn’t too long/much.

Hi everyone,
I’m reaching out because I would like to hear other opinions about my complex clinical situation and want to understand if there is ever a way to finally be fine for individuals with the same condition. I am a 26 years old woman who was misdiagnosed with BPD for years before receiving my accurate diagnoses.

Diagnoses: AuDHD (Combined ADHD + ASD), CPTSD, Chronic MDD / Autistic Burnout.

Current Regimen: Lisdexamfetamine (70mg AM + 20mg afternoon booster), Fluoxetine (60mg), Lamotrigine (100mg).

Past Treatment History:
Over the last 3 years, I have tried out extensive medication combinations. I have a pattern of highly atypical, paradoxical, or severe adverse reactions to traditional psychiatric meds, including:

SSRIs/SNRIs (Cipralex, Venlafaxine): Worsened suicidal ideation, psychotic episodes, severe apathy, numbness, and debilitating hypersomnia (12h+ sleep).

Antipsychotics/Mood Stabilizers (Aripiprazole, Valproate, Trazodone): Caused severe anxiety, panic, paranoia, tremors, and worsened binge eating.

Other Stimulants (Concerta, Medikinet, Atomoxetine): Failed to improve executive dysfunction; caused a resurgence of paranoia and severe depressive crashes.

Current Situation & Ketamine Use:
My current Vyvanse/Fluoxetine/Lamotrigine regimen has finally stabilized my baseline, the "zombie" state, uncontrollable impulsivity, and active suicidality seem to be finally gone, and I can see I could finally have a routine.
However, the stimulants leave me feeling uncomfortably "too sober," hyper-focused, and mentally rigid (which I suspect is the autistic side surfacing once the ADHD is treated).
I have done recreational use of substances in the past couple of years, i believe that I started using them because I couldn’t find any other way to feel momentarily okay.
Now, to counteract this mental rigidity that came with the ADHD medication, I have been microdosing Ketamine (via a self-made nasal spray). I have tried ketamine for the first time couple of years ago, and I already knew it was different for me, so much so that I stopped any other common substance, also because they did not have any effects on me at all.
Ketamine has become the only one way to feel that I can be fine. Rather than experiencing a numbing or anesthetic effect, it has a highly paradoxical, positive effect on me:
It completely breaks my executive paralysis and gives me the "activation energy" to start and finish tasks.
It dissolves my cognitive rigidity, allowing me to access creativity (music/writing) and feel genuine joy for the first time in years.

My Questions for the Psychiatrists:

1: Is it common or documented for AuDHD patients experiencing autistic burnout to respond to low-dose Ketamine with increased executive function, motivation, and fluid thinking, rather than dissociation or sedation?

2: Since I cannot safely continue
self-medication (especially alongside 90mg of Vyvanse), are there successful, safer alternatives that actually help people with the same situation as mine? I feel like there is no actual way out to feel whole and happy without having side effects from one side or the other.

Thanks for your insights. I don’t really know what else to do, and probably my psychiatrist doesn’t know either at this point.

**EDITING THE POST SINCE I FORGOT A VERY RELEVANT PART:
I have been going to regular therapy with psychologists for over a decade, I changed couple of times also and I have been doing therapy with a clinical psychologist for the past couple of years now. I also did EMDR therapy few years ago. This however was not enough to keep me from self medicating, even if I was also being under supervision by psychiatrists at the same time.