I'm needing some place where I can go alone and do something different.... I've been alone only when I'm working and I feel like I need to do anything to distract myself a little and actually be alone. You know?!
Do you have any special place to rechange socially? Any tips?
I'm (F31) pansexual. I love women. I love men. I love people. My attraction was never too conected with gender but with connection, belonging and good conversations. I had significant relations with womens, mens, trans or cis. I had a difficult time assuming myself to my family and heard horrible things - like how they were disgusted. Once I brought a girlfriend to know my mom and she didn't accepted that I return to home with her. It was the first women I had the guts to assume. My mom's husband stopped talking to me and ignored me inside my own house. It was a terrible relationship with this specific girlfriend because it was pretty abusive but I didn't wanted to break up because I felt like it was going to be a retrocess like proving my mom she was right. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore. At least my mom knew who I am.
I'm telling this story because 9 years ago I met my husband. He is a cis men and we constructed this relationship with a lot of love going through everything that came in the way. I love my family, we have a beautiful boy. I always wanted a family that supports me and that live a healthy relationship. And I have it now.
But it seems that all my story has been erased behind me because it was in the past. This feeling got worst when my mother told me that she always believed I would be cured and now I am. Like everything was a phase. Like I was sick before.
I really was, but not because of my sexuality. I was depressed and I didn't had help.
I just can't deal today, after looking deeply to myself to be seen as a straight person because I'm married to a men. Why does this erase my identity so much? I love him, and I love what we constructed. I think I just can't stop fighting for the respect to everyone no matter what. Maybe, I'm fighting to start learning to respect my history.
Does anyone relate to this? I would be glad to know. Thank you for reading. ❤
I wanted to be more transparent with everyone but sometimes I feel like showing it to the world means not being mature enough to deal with your own feelings.
How do you deal with it?
Sometimes I want to remember myself of who I am right now for the rest of my life, so I'll write it here.
I love the path I've passed through and it gave me a beautiful version of family.
Sometimes is hard but still I have a lot to love!!!
Write here what you love for the eternity!!!! ❤
As we were talking about dreams.... do you feel like you've been moving yourself to it? Which baby steps had you already made?
Tell me your story ❤
I'm a little bit afraid of making plans, but I want to start dreaming again.
Do you do plans for the future?
This is an exercise I do when I'm overthinking... I try to hear and visualize where the phrases that comes repeatedly in my head come from... sometimes from my parents, sometimes from other experiences....
Do you now who are you hearing? Do you ask it to yourself sometimes?
I decided to make a pact with myself so I promised:
"Do you promise to be gentle with yourself, respect your limits and moments, be honest about your feelings and say kind words to yourself when your mind is confused?"
I do!!!
Make yourself that promise too.. type I do and let's do it togheter
While making magic between job, career, house job, studying, trying to go back to a hobbie, trying to have healthcare there is a magic and beautiful existance that is part of all of this and is also the biggest part of everything. What connects all of those things and gives stength to be a better person everyday. It is amazing BUT there is a part of it that consumes me everyday: thinking about this tiny person feelings and thoughts about the world, thinking about everything that could go wrong and hurt this wonderful person that came from me, a part of me. Am I giving too much love and suffocating? Am I too far away and worried about all the other things I have to do? There is a right and wrong but it's not a formula. I try to manage it everyday and sometimes oh my God I'm so so tired. But I want to be there. I just wanted to vent a little about this feelings and this love I can't even explain. Thank you for listening (or reading).
Let's think about one awesome thing about this week? ❤
ME: This week I learned something new and it was awesome!!!!
I realized I did a lot of things without really wanting it. All my relations where strange places with no limits and no borders. The strange thing is that I was doing everything without really thinking and realizing it. So I put myself in danger a lot of times. I learned a lot with years of therapy and now I'm learning also about boundaries. It's being really good but now I kinda don't relation anymore with anyone besides my family... I think I'm scared of doing the same mistakes again... do you have difficult with limits too? What's your experience?
Wanna know if I'm normal LOL
Just kidding.... who wants to be normal right?! We all have our beautiful particularities <3
This is a space to write something to yourself. Be gentle with you <3.
ME: I want to tell myself that you are safe and have people caring about you. It's okay to be scared sometimes but you constructed the life you live now winning a lot of battles. You can do it! Trust yourself.
I did a related post recently but I really want to understand more about it. What is your experience? Do you usually procrastinate when anxious?
I don't scroll too much anymore, but I go to sleep watching novels and series. I'm thinking this is why I'm waking up tired in the morning... do you stay on the phone before going to bed?
I saw a lot of interesting ideas of journaling pages and I'm thinking about starting one. Do you journal? How do you keep your habit?
These days I'm feeling with low energy and sometimes I just wanna do nothing! Just lie down. But still I'm feeling anxious and I don't know if everything is about the anxiety thing or another. Do you feel low energy when anxious? Or with increased energy?