F25 dating M34
I've started noticing a pattern in my relationships and I honestly don't know if it's me, attachment issues, or if I'm just ending up with people who aren't right for me.
I've always dated with the intention of finding my life partner. Because of that, I tend to get serious pretty quickly. But after a while I start seeing things that make me think: "I don't know if I can do this forever." A lot of times I'm the one who ends things, or I get ghosted.
I've also been very heartbroken a few times, and every time it happened I feel like I got less trusting. Not just of other people, but also of my own judgment. Sometimes I wonder if I'm always looking for reasons why something won't work because I'm scared of getting hurt again.
The guy I'm dating now is genuinely kind and patient with me. But talking to him can be incredibly difficult. Let me state that he understands feelings very well, but it seems like he is unable to respond to whatever I'm talking about. Not even 'hm', 'yes', 'I see' or anything. Just silence. I'm trying to have conversation with him, but I'm the only one talking, even when I ask him to respond.
Sometimes I stop talking just to await his response without having to ask for a response, but then we're just sitting there in silence for minutes. Eventually I get frustrated because I feel like I'm carrying the whole conversation by myself.
He also has a lot of bad moods, and they affect me more than I'd like to admit. Another thing that bothers me is that he loves talking about plans and projects, but they almost never actually happen. After a while it starts feeling like he's dreaming about life while I'm the one trying to live it.
Lately I've been questioning whether I'm actually in love with him.
When I'm with him, I often feel like I can't fully relax. I hold parts of myself back and don't feel as outgoing or expressive as I normally am. He has even told me that he's noticed this himself and that I seem to be holding myself in.
But then when I'm home alone, I miss him. And when I think about breaking up, I suddenly think about all the things he does for me and how much I would miss him.
Sex has become another issue. We don't even kiss intimately. He gives me the same kisses he gives to his parents, which I find kind of weird but I'm okay with the parents-kisses, just not with the fact that I recieve the same kind of kisses...
We barely have sex because he doesn't seem very interested in it. Over time I've become really insecure about initiating because I'm scared of being rejected. And when we do have sex, he rarely gives me the feeling that he actually enjoyed it.
We've talked about it a lot. We've talked about past sexual trauma, whether he might be attracted to other sexes or even asexual, and ways we could improve things. But honestly, it has only gotten worse. At this point I don't think I'll ever feel truly comfortable having sex with him.
So I guess my question is:
Do I sound like someone who's become overly critical because of past hurt? Like someone with attachment issues who's always looking for an exit?
Or does this actually sound like a relationship where most people would struggle too?
I'm genuinely trying to figure out whether I need to work on myself, or whether this relationship just isn't right for me.
We don't want to break up, but somehow we are both building each other up AND breaking each other down.