My husband complained about throwing away yogurt….. I want to disappear.
Hi everyone, I apologize in advance for the long post and the fact that it will be all over the place. I have a 3 year old with my husband who I have been with for 6 years. 3 years ago I took a gamble on myself and went back to school to pursue a safer career so I could be around for my child (I was a police officer). I gave up my career of 8 years to go back to college, I took a huge pay cut ($30,000 less a year). My husband took over the bills. I’m in my senior year of college with a 4.0 gpa. 2 years ago I suffered a miscarriage with our second child and things kind of spiraled from there. For the past 2 years I’ve been feeling lost (I can’t even describe it). Last year my husband deployed to a combat zone and while i worked full time at a gym, took care of our child and was heavily involved in the 3 year training for the career I am pursuing next. I was incredibly stressed the entire time and could not wait for him to get back. Deployment was rough on our marriage but we made it. When he came back he wasn’t the same, which I understand because he experienced things that I never want to but it became me taking care of our child and him emotionally and mentally all while handling everything I had going on. He was mean, short tempered, depressed, angry, distant, would barely touch me or show affection and more. I completely forgot to take care of myself and now I’m paying for it. 4 months after he came back my mom suffered a severe heart attack so I had to leave and care for her for 6 weeks while also taking care of my sick and elderly grandmother who my mom takes care of. I was being treated the best while caring for them but I know that when people are sick they aren’t the nicest but it hurt me. I was doing this while still in school, being a mom, and a wife. I missed vital moments in my training. I returned to training 8 days before I had to take a vital test for my career. I failed it by 1 point and all my hard work seemed to shatter right in front me. I wasn’t in the right mental space when I took it but it doesn’t matter. I’m currently working to appeal to get another chance at passing it (I’ll update that once I get an answer). Well it’s been 4 weeks since I failed the test and last week my husband had to have surgery from the injury my husband sustained on deployment, I couldn’t go to work that week because he needed around the clock care so my 2 week check was literally $160. I haven’t gotten ANYTHING for Mother’s Day btw, not even a card and he has haven’t even said “thank you”. I was taking care of him, our child and taking finals. Once again I was taking care of everyone else but myself. Well this all leads me to this morning. Our baby woke up in a pissy mood and was being a BRAT!!! I was trying to calm them down when my husband comes in the house from the garage mad because I threw away a tub of yogurt in the garbage and didn’t put it in a bag, mind you when I threw it away I was in fight or flight mode and was just trying to get the house clean in between caring for him and our kid. I asked what was wrong and he said “you threw the yogurt in the trash without a bag, you need to pay attention!!! At that moment I snapped! I yelled “I’m so fucking tired of being here” and stormed out the house! He didn’t try to stop me nor ask where I was going. I’ve been sitting in a bakery parking lot for the past hour and he still hasn’t called or text to check on me. I don’t know what to do, I just want to feel like me again. It’s so weird cause I’m not crying but I’ve been crying for the past 3 months, I don’t think I have anything left. I really just needed to vent and appreciate any advice or kind words you all can give me. Being a mom is so hard sometimes….