Not sure what to look for.
I've been questioning myself for most of my life. I distinctly remember asking my dad if he ever thought about what it would be like to live as a girl when I was about 8, and the question popped back into my head when I realized trans women are a thing in late high school. It's been 10 years since then, and I'm finally out of my parents' house and able to experiment with myself to see if the question I've been considering for so long is true. My trans friends say it's probably true because... I wouldn't have been thinking about it for 20 years if it didn't have some merit. I hate the body I have, with the wide shoulders, body hair, facial hair, brow ridge, etc. Just generally sad all the time and never wanting to involve myself in anything because I don't think I'm worth the effort. When I went out to buy a feminine top for the first time, wearing it made me feel happy. I like how my skin feels after exfoliating and shaving off the pesky hairs that grow back in a day anyway. I've been growing my hair out for the first time, and despite the hassle of trying to get it under control, I really like how long it's getting. I haven't done anything else to try feminizing myself because I'm really bad at figuring out where to start or continue on... anything, really. I can't even try makeup because I can't stand looking at my face. The problem I have been mulling over is I have no clue if I'm actually trans or if I've just been doing some weird gaslighting for so long like I'm only getting certain reactions because I think that's how a transfem person would react to specific things, and I'm just trying to trick myself into thinking I'm trans. It's been eating at me with no end in sight.
So I decided to try HRT, under the promise from my trans friend, the endocrinologist, and people online say about how my brain will "just know it's right or not." Which... is vague at best. I have Asperger's, and that combined with all this emotional questioning has left me pretty out of touch with most of my feelings for a very long time. I don't want to continue this experiment for longer than a month, in case I realize I'm wrong and need to stop before anything really gets underway. To make it worse, my unsupportive parents found out, and I'm worried the stress I have about that will cloud my judgement further. I just really wish I had some kind of description for what I should watch out for to know I'm right or wrong about being trans. I know everything is different for everyone, and each thing posted here has the inherent asterisk of "YMMV," but if anyone could give me some idea of what I should be looking out for in terms of how my brain reacts to HRT would be much appreciated. I want my answer, I just don't know what that answer is supposed to be like. For the record, I've been taking low doses of spiro and E twice a day since last Friday. So far, the only thing I'm noticing is minor headaches, which is concerning, but I've been told that's relatively normal. I guess another question I have is when I could start seeing these signs, because I've seen people report knowing it was the right decision within, like, 2 minutes of their first dose, but the doctor and my trans friend said it would be maybe 2-3 weeks.
Another friend, who said she clocked me as not cis at the very least a few years ago, said I should try reading other peoples' experiences. But I figure the best way to do that is by explaining myself and asking the community. Much love, thank you.