u/HopePersists

I met with someone today for some arrangements, it turns out they were trans. I’m man moding but I told her a bit about myself and we connected super well. Honestly she is the ideal candidate and I definitely want to do it, but I have such discomfort around trans people and it’s so fucking awful of me. I hate saying that I am trans to other people. I hate being trans.

I was raised super religious and taught a ton of homophobia and transphobia. I have such internalized hatred that the second I express myself at all I want to drive a nail through my temple.

How do you get out of this self hatred. Why am I so uncomfortable around myself and other trans people. It’s so evil and awful of me, especially when she was so nice too.

My friends are genuinely nice to me and good people, but every time I hang out with them I feel so awful and dysphoric. I just realize how different we are and I hate how I just realize I may never in my lifetime be normal. There is such a fluency to how they express themselves that I envy. I hate being around others, but I hate being by myself. Hanging out with my guy friends feels bad because I just feel like one of them, but hanging out with my cisf friends feels awful because I realize I will never be one of them.

Most days when I am by myself I can handle the dysphoria, but taking HRT has kind of made things so much worse. At least before I started taking it I could live in disassociation with reality. Now I look at myself in the mirror and I realize that I will always look male. Even after years of HRT I just look like a young man, that is it. God I want to feel loved and desired

I love my friends, but hanging out with them makes me realize just how different I am from them. I realize that I will always be a man. They are so beautiful and feminine, meanwhile I have been on HRT for 3 years, but people are surprised if I tell them.

I think it is probably just too late for me. I am happy to have my friends around and I don’t think I will do anything dumb, but I don’t think I’ll ever be anything other than a man. Maybe it is just my fault for waiting too long, I thought I had time.

The pain isn’t awful all the time, and I think I need to just start avoiding mirrors more to ease the pain. I don’t plan to stop taking the meds, but I can’t see an end to the man moding

I wish I could give up my own life so that others could be happy. I wish I could give myself up to fix my friend, or to make the people here feel better.

I miss my family

If I went on a date with someone and they made good pho that would seal the deal right there. I love it so much it’s so good and delicious. I need to get good at making it myself so that I can have it all the time and make it for someone I love and we can have a good night I love pho so much

Pho and tiramisu are the best foods no question

I want to go to Vietnam and have authentic pho

When I was repping I had a stupid “gym phase” where I tried to cope by working out, but now the muscle won’t go away. Specifically my arms and biceps are fucking huge I feel like and I fucking hate it. I don’t know how to make it go away at this point except for starving myself so much that I lose muscle. I’ve been considering expediting the weight loss by taking medications like ozempic but I know that is not healthy.

I just want the muscle to go away, my testosterone is basically zero and I never work out arms. My job is not super demanding physically either.