I want to break up with my boyfriend because I'm suicidal
So my bf and I, both 19, recently got into a relationship. But I'm suicidal and I did warn him about it after we had sex. I don't know if he believed me or just mistook it for a joke, because he really hasn't talked about it to me. The worst part is, my life is so fucked up I'm barely surviving. My fuck ass college is literally sucking the soul out of me.
The compulsion to stay in this college dorm for 5 fcking years with this shitty ass roommate who has no sense of boundaries is literally so fcking draining. I'm chronically depressed and therapy is expensive. Worst part? I don't want to be in this college, but I can't fcking dropout because I'll still have to pay the full fees for 5 fcking years. So i really have no way out.
I can't fcking study. Like not "I couldn't revise the syllabus last minute" thing but "I don't even fucking know the syllabus" type of shit because of adhd burnout. I've literally never studied my whole life, yet succeeded as a kid back in highschool. But now the syllabus is HUGE and I just can't do shit about it.
I don't even know how to study. I can't fcking focus on lectures, and by the time I'm back to dorm I'm exhausted asf, because my college runs for SIX HOURS STRAIGHT for six days a week. My sleep is fcked because my dormmate always wants the lights on and that bitch keeps reading out loud.
And Sundays are fucking miserable because it's reserved for doing laundry and cleaning stuff. AND THEY DON'T HAVE A WASHING MACHINE and there are no laundry services because this fuck ass college is in MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. The food SUCKS and I've been surviving on ramen for months now.
The professors are so fcking entitled they literally treat you like a prisoner, threatening to fail you and call your parents/ the dean for every minor inconvenience. They literally had a compulsory parents teachers meeting like WTAF. I can't even fcking transfer schools because that's not an option.
My dorm room is literally the worst in the whole building because it gets no fcking sunlight nor internet and my bitchass RA doesn't give a shit. I'm so fucking tired of everything. Also I'm losing weight everyday, my hair is thinning, my dark circles worsening and my skin is turning paler day by day. I'm failing every single one of my tests.
I feel ugly asf because I'm honestly fcking broke.. and all my clothes suck. I literally have hand me downs from my cousins (from 2000s) and I don't even have a fashion sense. All my shoes look so cheap. And I can't fcking deal with dudes in my uni randomly hitting on me- online or offline. And I'm fcking insecure as hell.. because why not.
And getting into this relationship only has worsened my mental health. I mean, my boyfriend loves me like crazy and he's already making serious plans. But that's the problem.
Because I know we're not gonna end up together. I don't even know why the hell he even loves me because how can someone so perfect choose a mess like me? I'm not worth it at all. He's just going to end up hurting himself. And I want to break up with him because I know I'll kill myself soon.