WIBTA if I left
WIBTA if I left.
So back story, I've(24f) been with my partner(34M) for 3 and a half years now we have one son together 8months and I'm pregnant with our second. He has 3 kids from previous relationships one 15F, 10M, 7M. I have a great relationship with both of the boys but my relationship with the oldest has been nothing but rocky since month 8. Now shes had a very traumatic childhood i mean the work her mother probably should of never been able to keep her custody as long as she did and now shes in jail for 40+ years. Her mother's parents aren't any better honestly.
But since month 8 of mine and her father's relationship we have found her stealing my dresses and shirts and she even went as far as taking my bras and underwear. On top of that she started posting photos in them as well both my clothes and then my unders. We took the phone away ( her mother's parents gave it to her without her father's permission). Well she went thru my belongs not once but twice to retrieve the phone. Once in my personal belongings down in the basement and then again in my personal items in our bedroom ( I'm really upset with that one because she went thru my box of personal items from my passed grandmother which also holds her ashes). Her father finally go rid of the phone completely.
So we thought we took everything that could cause her to get in trouble with the internet but we found out we were wrong. Her father would let her go to her mother's parents house to spend a weekend here and there and we found out she was taking her grandparents phones and creating Snapchat and TikTok accounts on them to continue post said content. It got to the point after trying to tell them time and time again that she will do this you need to do something to keep the phones out of her reach so she stops this and time after time we find accounts or people from her school will send us her accounts. So for now she isn't allowed at her grandparents (personally she should never been able to go over there from what they left their daughter's bf do to her and that they still say that their daughter is innocent).
Well now we have found out that she is still continuing to message people but not on any phone but on her school issued iPad. The school doesn't monitor the iPads like I truly think they should, I have found a lot of different things that a kid shouldn't be looking up at all let alone on a school issued ipad. Well she lied saying for the last month and a half that shes been leaving the ipad at school when really shes been giving it to the neighbor kids that she babysit in the morning to hold on to it so that way we cant go thru it. We found a month long conversation with her uncles gf (mother's brother) say that she needs to run away or to create a trail that we are abusing her so that way they can get full custody. Mind you when her father got full custody a cys casework, 2 state police officers and 2 different attorneys said that they will never be able to get custody of her because of what her mother did and what they let happen to her. While they were supposed to be supervising her visits.
Now mind you I'm no saint I've had a rough upbringing but her takes the cake and every parent involved when she was growing up is to blame for never getting her counseling or therapy and that doesn't help with any of this. I finally got her to agree to therapy and got her a therapist but it hasn't really been helping. She's still lying and stealing and honestly her all over attitude has gotten worse part of it I think is from her mother's side of the family making her think us giving her consistent chores (dishes, sweeping floors, cleaning her room, taking scraps out to the birds and collecting eggs) and consequences for her actions is abuse. I also understand that she is a teenager and they act out especially when they have a horrible childhood. I've just never seen it taken this far.
Now to why I might be the asshole for wanting to leave. She can be very manipulative. To everyone else she is a sweet kind girl who would never raise her voice never lie or disrespect anyone. But how she acts infant of people and in the house are 2 very different people. She's mean to her brothers in front of me or if I have our neighbor come over to babysit shes even said that her behavior is concerning. But in front of her dad or grandparents she just acts like a normally bossy sister. My fear is that her unhelped trauma from what her mother did mixed with her hearing from her mother's parents that she didn't do anything wrong equals a very traumatized child with emotional issues that she doesnt know how to control. Her mother's crime is against a young child. Im worried that because of all of this when my son and my other child get older that she could possibly do something. Now I never leave her unsupervised with my son but I'm worried about the stress all of this will do with my current pregnancy too. Her father's mother tells me I'm stupid for even thinking that but she has never seen her with her brothers when she thinks no one is looking. We have had issues with the boys to the point there for about 4 months they didn't want to come to our house because of how she treated them.
Now I've tried the loving and understanding mom role and I've tried the strict mom role to (when I first met her i told her I never plan on replacing her mom but to try to be a mother role model for her) I've tried doing the normal grounding punishment and multiple talks not just with me but with her father and her father's mother too. Nothing has worked nothing has changed. It's just gotten to the point I'm scared for my son and for my baby cause when I was pregnant with my son she made it very clearly she doesnt want a sister because then she wouldn't be the only daughter anymore.
Ik I probably jumped all over the place but for the past 3 years there has just been problems over problems. Im just done at this point and ik that makes me a very shitty person but I've tried all that I've known to try.