u/HopefulEstate302

I cant believe I’m here. Like I don’t know what to do anymore and I hope someone can help me. I haven’t been diagnosed with adhd yet and I know yes “self diagnosed” attention seeking Larp im sorry. I’m currently 17, and for a while now for a long while I can’t function properly. Yes I can sleep eat and do things normal people do but I feel as if I can’t do them like NORMAL PEOPLE do. (Not to sound edgy or different I’m sorry) I graduate in a few months and I genuinely can’t see a future for myself. Not in a way where I’m su!cidal but in a way where it feels foreign and not possible for me. Everyone around me studies and can actually get to the desk to start but I can’t. And for so long now ive teared myself down telling myself I’m lazy and worthless but I just can’t seem to do what I WANT to do. I feel like I’m wasting away, looking at my future drifting away from me from a tv show I cant control. I have a therapist and I’m grateful but these sessions are from financial aid, and my parents don’t want me getting more regular sessions as they are expensive. So I only have sessions once or month or even longer apart. Which deters me from being able to speak to my therapist about my problems and it makes it harder for me to bring these “lazy” issues up. It’s getting so out of hand I just want medicine at this point. Something to help me actually get on with my life. Sorry for babbling and this may seem very minuscule problems in such a crazy world currently and I’m not trying to intrude in a space safe to vent or anything but I just want other fellow women who suffer from this disorder to help me understand what I can do from here on. Im scared I’ll forget my life I can’t remember anything from last week I can’t even remember what I ate or did yesterday. And I KEEP LOSING EVERYTHING IVE LOST MY EARPHONES FOR THE HUNDRETH TIME MY MUM IS GONNA KILL ME THIS TIME MUSIC IS TJE ONLY THING THATS CURRENTLY KEEPING ME SANE. I’m so lost and everyday I come home from school exhausted trying to push down my anger and frustration to present a cheerful and easygoing person for other people because I’m terrified they’ll all hate me. I shut down when I get home and my parents get mad at me for not speaking when I know I’ll get angry even if I don’t want to if I’m made to speak. It feels like an endless loop of inefficiency and anger and hopelessness and self hate and I’m just sick of all of it. I’m sorry. If anyone has suggestions I’m open to anything. I’m not asking for anyone to diagnose I know I am on reddit. Sorry again for this