Feel so blah. Turning 41 this year
I have 4 children. Ranges 15-4. My youngest starts full time kinder this fall.
My husband has a very very successful career that we have basically sacrificed all of our twenties and early thirties for. I didn’t finish school bc of his career trajectory and we had an oops baby. Also, undiagnosed adhd made it hard to finish semesters- though I did get to my jr year of undergraduate.
I’ve lost myself in this role. Of a mom. A wife of a “prestigious doctor”. I spent many years in random states, no where near anyone we knew, completley so so poor, staying home all day taking care of our kids. I was depressed as hell. Gaines so much weight. Hated myself more than I can say. Our relationship was so hard because I had so much resentment for my life vs his. I was jealous as hell of all the woman he worked closely with. Even though he was loyal. My mind imagines the worst scenarios and I always wondered why the bell he’d come home to an overweight, depressed, over stimulated shell of a person- when he had gorgeous woman who were interesting and shared similar interests as he did next to him all day.
He finished residency, bought a practice, we built a house and live by family again. Thanks to having money I finally feel good about how I look- glp-1’s (literally fixed my eating disorder), hair extensions for my hair that had been falling out, clothes that I feel good in. Money to do things. Travel.
And yet. I still feel SO blah and unfulfilled. I’ve started writing on substack, but losing subscribers has been hitting me hard.
Meanwhile my husband has absolutely flourished in his job and is currently considered in the “elite” of his field.
I don’t know what to do to fill this void. I spent so many years making myself small. Being angry. Crying in my closet. I don’t even know how to fix what’s wrong.
Everyone says, find your passion. Go back to school. Start volunteering. And I get it, I do. But then I just end up sitting on the couch all day on my phone or bingeing some show, in between shuttling my very successfully competitive children in their repetitive hobbies.
I guess I’m just sad. It’s been a bad week. I don’t even know what I’m asking - just putting this into the universe I guess.