Subtle changes in my life
Hello,
I've actually been trying to sunset this reddit account so in a weird way this is something of a throwaway. I started transitioning a two and a half years ago and it's been pretty great. Ups and downs, losses and gains, the usual. Lately a couple of things have been happening that I like quite a bit but which I also want to remark upon to somebody.
First, I've always been casually bisexual, preferring women, but lately I have been pretty much straight. I have exclusively dated men during the past year and I have no real interest in dating women anymore. Not that I don't find them attractive, or that I wouldn't date one if we clicked, but my pre-transition stance of "mostly straight, but with theoretical bisexuality" has reasserted itself, and I find that interesting. I don't even have any particular feelings about it. It just feels like the natural way for me to live right now.
More emotionally charged, but far more subtle, I have noticed that I (mostly) pass now. Some days are better than others of course, but even just the past couple of weeks I can tell a distinct difference in the way people respond to me. I (almost) never get misgendered, men have become more flirtatious and assertive with me (for good and bad), they like to explain things to me now, women are more friendly and collaborative. All the stuff we read about has been happening to me in a consistent way. And again, it's been occurring over a period of a month or less, after two years of gradual progress. It's exciting of course, but it's causing me some feelings.
For one thing the idea that I could just fade into womanhood and live out my life as a boring, nice, middle aged lady without reference to queerness or transness seems like more of a possibility than it ever has. I had a moment yesterday where I was like "why don't I just go stealth? I can get my legal docs changed, find another job, and just not talk about it anymore." I've never been ashamed of being queer. I've never once thought I would consider just walking away from it until yesterday, but I have to admit the idea was comforting. Exciting even. Just let other things be the priority in my life. Work on creating things, finding love, being a friend, surviving a bad economy. Playing ttrpgs. Just normal stuff.
Maybe I'm not quite there yet. Maybe it's logarithmic and I'll never be fully there but always closer, and that's all fine. It's all great. I feel some sadness though, as if the most significant, scary, exciting, and important period of my life is coming to a close and what remains is just normal life.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that to somebody, thanks for listening.