F | 29 | Lahore - Dear Future Husband, You Better See This!
Announcement:📢
This is a detailed post, so please bear with me. While not exhaustive, it does provide a close approximation of who I am. I’ve tried to go into as much detail as I deemed appropriate. So, please read the complete post, and don’t assume anything 😄 Thank you. Let’s begin!
Height & Weight: 5 2" 65 kg
(Neither skinny nor obese. Somewhere in the middle)
Caste: Kashmiri Butt
Location: Lahore
Education:
- BS (Honors) in Applied Psychology
- Master's in Clinical Psychology
- Currently preparing to apply for a PhD in a year or two
If I end up finding my person, I’d marry first and do my PhD later
Profession: Clinical Psychologist/ Mental Health Counsellor
Single, never engaged or married
Religion:
I consider myself to be a relatively practicing Muslim. I pray, fast, and do all the obligatory things. I do tend to educate myself on religion and make informed decisions. We don't celebrate Milad, do nazro niaz, or khatam, etc., in my family. I always dress modestly. I do wear hijab, but I'm not very strict with it; there are times and many places where I don't wear it.
I grew up in a religious household. So while I hold religious values close to my heart, and they shape my worldview and life choices to a great extent, I do not subscribe to a conservative, extremist ideology in the name of religion! I'm quite progressive and open-minded in my beliefs, and I expect the same open-mindedness in my spouse.
Family Details: We're 3 siblings in total. One brother, one sister. Mother is a housewife. Father is retired.
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What I’m Looking for In A Partner
Disclaimer: To be fair, the traits I mention below are all that I embody myself. So I’m not asking for things I don’t offer as well.
Education: Anywhere from BS Honors to PhD, etc., the higher the better. Intellectual compatibility is absolutely paramount for me, such that we teach and learn from each other in life. I am a sapiophile. I want an educated and open-minded spouse who can entertain a difference of thought and opinion respectfully, without being dismissive or offended. Education should hone our critical thinking skills, and that's what I'm looking for. I hope he thinks for himself, has original ideas and makes his own decisions confidently, and I’ll support him in that.
Age: My age or older than me. Maximum 35 years, but not younger than me.
Location: I’m specifically looking for someone from Lahore, in order to streamline personal and family meetups, having cultural similarity and to be able to run background checks (for both sides). Also because.… ”LAUR LAUR AEY!” 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻
Health: Tbh, I’m not looking for a gym rat or a fitness enthusiast. I’m not one myself. But I do prefer someone who is mindful of their overall health and what they put into their body. I practice this in my life as well.
God-fearing – Someone who is God-fearing in his conduct and aspires to become a better human being. Having strong moral values is where it’s at. Religion is best reflected in one’s good character and humility, less so in the obligatory prayers or fasts. I hope he has good Ikhlaaq, is kind, easy to talk to, and has loving relationships with his family and people around him.
Please note that I’m not looking for the religious extremist molvi kind.
Self-sufficient – I fully acknowledge that women are nurturers; they turn a house into a beautiful home. Having said that, self-sufficiency has no gender. It also has nothing to do with feminism. I don’t agree with men’s complete dependence on women, as is prevalent in our culture. And before you misinterpret my words, “complete” is the keyword here! As adults, we all should be able to take care of ourselves. I hope my spouse does not shy away from helping me around the house and can manage himself when need be. And it goes both ways.
Having Perspective and being far-sighted - Someone who values character, loyalty, meaningful connection and personality compatibility beyond the typical appearance ideals. Indeed, physical attraction is important for marriage, but it's only one part of the equation; true connection requires much more depth. After all, what are you left with once the novelty runs out? The "person" you married 😄
Emotional Safety – Someone who can hold space for others, gives grace, respects boundaries, can tolerate a difference of opinion and creates a sense of belonging for me. A dynamic where we both feel heard and seen and can express ourselves without fearing scrutiny; where we both can be our authentic selves. Emotional intelligence is always attractive🙌🏻
Clear communication – There are few things I value more than clear communication. I’d like my spouse to be able to articulate and openly share his thoughts and feelings and be willing to have difficult conversations that life eventually throws at all of us. I promise, I’d do the same🙏🏻Half of our lifetimes, we spend talking to each other. So it’s very important to me to have open and trusting communication with my husband.
Freedom – Freedom is my strongest core value. I want to feel free around my spouse, i.e., to feel a sense of psychological safety when he’s around me and not feel caged in any way.
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Deal Breakers
- Drinking, smoking or any kind of substance use in the past or present
- Poor emotion regulation – think: anger issues, yelling, cursing.
- Not being concerned with whether you earn halal or haram/ via fair or unfair means. This is very important to me!
- Living with in-laws after marriage
- Expecting your wife to contribute financially (as an explicit expectation)
- Believing that household and parental investment are only a woman’s job - (It’s okay if you believe that, but it’s just not what I’m looking for)
Preferred Family Setup: I'm a strong proponent of a nuclear family, i.e., husband, wife and their kids, which is conducive to the (well-deserved) privacy and mental health of all parties involved. I was raised in one, and that’s the only kind that makes sense to me. Undeniably, joint family system fosters many domestic disputes and inevitable conflicts. So, I’d really appreciate it if you could understand this.
Do You Want Children? Yes! But never in the first 1.5-2 years. I’d like to emotionally settle down into the marriage first and understand my spouse and allow him to understand me as well before embarking on the behemoth journey of parenthood. More on this below….
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About Me:
Okay, buckle up! This is the long part. (I’ve tried to make it very readable, though)
Generally, I’m a pure ambivert; I can easily be extroverted or introverted, depending on the situation, but I wholeheartedly love my “me-time" (way too much, actually🙈) and socialize selectively. I absolutely need alone time to recharge my batteries. I make friends easily, no matter what age they are, but I intentionally keep a very small circle (quality > quantity, right?). I'm a very private individual in general.
I’m an ISTJ (I hope you know what that means) – so naturally, I revel in details. I’m a bronze medalist and also a published researcher in the discipline of Clinical Psychology. I’m a huge fan of the fields of biopsychology, evolutionary psychology, neuroscience and psychiatry. Yeah, I’m a nerd, lol 😉
I also love presenting and explaining ideas to an audience (I'm a teacher at heart).
With the select few ppl, I'm a huge conversationalist. My idea of a good time is having insightful conversations and sharing ideas over a cup of chai/coffee. I'm as curious as a cat; I ask a million questions if something intrigues me, because at times, learning is my entertainment.
Things like watching movies and discussing plots, fan theories, documentaries, existential questions, ideologies, psychology, philosophy, space/universe are all right up my alley.
I’m less outdoorsy and more of an indoorsy person, but I do look forward to traveling and experiencing new places with my spouse one day 😄
While I don’t see myself being in that role, people often happen to seek my advice. I’m not one to preach, but I try to educate myself enough to counsel others well.
I’m very particular about personal hygiene and cleanliness and definitely have my idiosyncrasies😬
I’d describe myself as an ambitious person – not in the sense of a typical “girl boss.” Nope! I’m not that. But I want to always have something to call my own, something that I’ve earned for myself, something I can feel fulfilled by and proud of. To that end, being a mother and a wife would be fulfilling, yes, but I intend to keep practicing (as a therapist) or be part of academia in the future. That will always be very meaningful to me!
I plan to go for a PhD in Clinical Psychology in the next year or two. I'm currently studying for it. Just to be clear, if I end up finding my person soon, then marriage comes first and I’ll pursue the PhD afterwards.
I’m very much into relationship psychology – I revere the works of Drs John and Julie Gottman, Esther Perel, and the like. I’ve learned a lot from them.
I tend to be quite maternal. I hope to one day open an animal sanctuary, InshaAllah. The following equation describes me well:
Animals > Humans :: Children > Adults …. (well, mostly)
I believe in standing up for myself and others. We can always raise our disagreements respectfully. I hope my future spouse has the same moral courage, so we have a clear conscience on our deathbeds.
I grew up in the Middle East and moved to Lahore at 21. I’m an optimistic, reflective person in general, but I don’t believe in wishful thinking; I’m more of a realist in that way (my username checks out). I try to find meaning in everything I experience in life. The smallest things give me joy (like new stationery and restocking groceries, literally).
I’m heavily inclined towards rationality, pragmatism and logic; realism and facts are valuable guides. Don’t get me wrong, every emotion has its place, and I deeply value them. Still, I believe that critical thinking is a human's greatest asset, especially in today’s world of information warfare!
I absolutely LOVE animals (I have a cat and 2 cockatiels). They keep my heart so full. And yes, I want MORE PETS! Hopefully, I find someone who loves and adores animals as much as I do (Allah ji pleaseee 🙏🏻)
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I cherish quality family time and hangouts. Definitely not brand-conscious or pretentious. I’d call myself a low-maintenance person. Personally, I live and let live. I’m the youngest in my family and I’m very close to them. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not spoiled (trust me 😉).
I’m fluent in English. That’s what I predominantly speak. I’ve been told I use Urdu as a second language (I don’t disagree🙃). I’ve also been told that I’m a burger, and I don’t fully disagree with that either, lol. But trust me, I’m desi too. It just takes actually knowing me to get to those layers. Perhaps, I'm too desi for burgers, too burger for desis. Urghh, that’s my predicament**🫠**
Some Interesting Stuff:
In recent years, I’ve become quite interested in the research and discourse on the silent and universal mental health struggles of men. While there’s undoubtedly a huge patriarchy and misogyny problem globally, men’s struggles are real too, and I empathize with that. I truly believe that true masculinity (not the toxic kind) and femininity are a gift to the world. Together, they’re the beautiful harmony of nature.
I don’t subscribe completely to either conservative or liberal ideology. Both sides have some valid arguments that I agree with….but also their own sneaky pitfalls. I endorse the family values of the right (which are beautifully aligned with Islam as well), but I also appreciate the tolerance, diversity and empowerment of the left. Predominantly, I lean center-left on the political ideology spectrum. I absolutely believe in personal freedom to make your own decisions, and to choose a life of your own liking; to do and be who you want to be without being tethered to unrealistic cultural norms or expectations.
I’m also a complete cinema buff - English movies, series, some anime, e.g., AOT, Studio Ghibli, etc. Listening to audiobooks is my thing. I love documentaries and video essays on sociocultural issues, health, true crime, some politics, etc.
I’m mesmerized by space, its unfathomable vastness and the mystery of the universe. I enjoy podcasts on medicine, mental health, relationship psychology, self-help and neuroscience, etc. My favorite ones are Modern Wisdom by Chris Williamson, Diary of A CEO by Steven Bartlett, Candace Owens (love her🙌🏻), Being Well by Forrest Hanson, The Huberman Lab and Mel Robbin’s Podcast, among many others. I think YouTube is the greatest resource for learning as well as leisure.
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On Values:
Freedom, authenticity, growth mindset, competence, commitment-loyalty, integrity, honesty, faith, family, resilience, respect
Need I say more?
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On Children:
Parenthood is such a daunting role that it scares me – and rightfully so! Our childhood either builds us or leaves us vulnerable to so much affliction for the rest of our lives – physically and psychologically. Interestingly, my master’s thesis was on parenting styles too.
Having worked with so many teenagers in therapy, it has dawned on me how intentional parents raise happier, resilient children, while emotionally dismissive and invalidating parents destroy their children’s self-worth and self-concept for life, and then they have to work so hard to recover from that as adults.
It all drives home the importance of choosing the right partner! I plan to be a very intentional parent, and I’d like my spouse to be equally invested in creating a healthy, kind household – one with happy parents (who model for their children what love looks like), one with a balance of emotional warmth and discipline.
As the saying goes, “You can choose your husband, but your children cannot choose their father. Choose wisely.”
May Allah guide us in this decision. Ameen!
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On Marriage: My Philosophy✨
Sorry if this feels like a lecture. I just want you to understand my POV 🙈
I do NOT see people as projects. We are who we are! With great and not-so-great parts. I’ve learned that we are to accept the person we marry as a whole, without trying to “fix” them or mold them into something they’re not. By that, I don’t mean that we don’t grow and improve for each other. Of course, we do. But we cannot ask an incompatible person to change their entire personality for us.
With this philosophy, I believe in choosing the person who feels right just as they are from the get-go. I want to make a decision based on the present reality, not a future possibility. We should mutually like each other just as we are. We cannot change people; they only change if they wish to, intrinsically.
I’m looking for a man who works on his EQ, has a growth mindset and uplifts others. A man with a strong inner moral compass to stand up against injustice. Someone who thinks for himself and makes his own decisions with integrity.
Since I’ve happily lived long enough without depending on a romantic partner for emotional support, it has given me ample opportunity for self-discovery, introspection and self-awareness; I know myself much better today than, say, at 24 years old. And IMO, that’s the best trade-off in marrying later than sooner. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Timeframe for Marriage: As soon as compatibility is established, I’d involve my family early on. For the maximum timeline, 1 year seems appropriate.
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My Flaws (Potential deal-breakers for you):
We all have flaws. We just choose the person whose flaws fit well with ours. Idk if they’re all flaws, but……here are some potential challenges for you (🙈🙉)
- Full disclosure - I tend to be high in conscientiousness. If you know anything about it, it’s a double-edged sword! It makes me productive but also perfectionistic and prone to anxiety; I have a Type-A disposition. Tbh, it makes me a disciplined and reliable person, and I actually value these traits, but it also makes me overwhelmed and anxious at times. Being a therapist myself, I’ve learned to be quite emotionally resilient, but I’m still just a human. So, if you don’t know how to offer emotional support or hold space for others without trying to fix them, it won’t work.
- I have an affinity for order, structure, and routine in life. I like to do things on time, and more or less, plan them out. That’s the ISTJ in me. If you always just go with the flow without planning, I’m not right for you.
Dayum! That made me sound terrible. Trust me, it’s not all that bad. Just so you know, as much as I hate it, procrastination has finally caught up to me in the last few years. It’s almost a rite of passage for adulthood nowadays, right? Sigh :/ (*cries in the corner*)
- I’m quite a boundary-oriented person – I don’t let anyone meddle with them and will always speak up if someone disrespects them. I’ll fully respect yours, too.
- I don’t trust people easily, and although I’m not a judgmental person, I am very skeptical and analytical at first. I build my evidence base first to ground my judgments on, so I take my sweet time opening up to people. IMO*, trust is always earned, never given.*
- While I’m very communicative and open about my emotional needs, deep down, I’ve realized that I would still expect my spouse to intuitively know what I need in a moment. I think many women are like that, and I’m working on it too. This will require him to have emotional attunement, which I gather is challenging for some men.
- I love to talk and share my thoughts, ideas and learnings quite a lot with the people I love, and it's directly proportional to my mood. Being expressive is how I connect. So, if you’re a poor listener or want an introverted, quiet partner, I’m not right for you.
- I’m particularly hygiene-conscious. Let’s leave it at that.
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Bottom Line:
I’m looking for someone with intellectual compatibility and emotional depth. A responsible, educated, self-aware and confident man that I can look up to with complete respect. Someone who has moral courage and whose sound judgement I can trust pooray dil se, knowing that I can rely on him without a second thought.
If you’ve read this far, I appreciate your patience. Bht shukria for sticking through. I’ve laid out everything quite extensively and clearly. But still, I’d be happy to answer any more questions.
If you choose to reach out, please share your profile from the get-go. And this should go without saying, but please only reach out if you’re serious about settling down and committing. Tbh, I’m a very busy person. I don’t have the time to sift through non-serious, low-effort interactions.
May Allah make it easy for all of us, give us partners who we really deserve and may we bring out the best in each other! May we all find the coolness of our eyes in our spouses! 🤲🏻
Allah aap sabkay naseeb achay kre. Ameen🙏🏻
Good day!
🌻🌻🌻