u/Hopefulaccount7987

It’s my summer now. Previously I was juggling work, school, and activism all at once. Now I only gotta worry about two of those. Today was my first full day off since forever (except for therapy, but that keeps me from killing myself so I kinda gotta do it).

I tried to walk around my city and read a book in a park (Sound and Fury), but it didn’t really hit. I have just had a profound sense of loneliness and unease all day, which is odd because I have a lot of friends, I just can’t expect them to babysit me during every day off. Ended up laying down on my couch for most of the day, switching between YouTube and Spotify until now. Not very fulfilling. Gaming has lost its flavor too. I cooked a meal which was good for the boredom (chilaquiles), but now I’m full, so I don’t even have to worry about that anymore. I guess that’s a good thing, having so little to worry about you can just fuck around in the enui zone for a while, but it’s like a too hot shower in the middle of winter. I’ve gotten so used to working myself day in and out I can’t seem to relax.

Anyways, gumshoes, I’m trying to normalmax this summer and do regular person shit with free time. Instead of the old standby of chasing hours at work until I’m miserable again but for a different reason. What should I do?

24 M

I was orphaned at 12. My twin brother and I had to go it alone for a while. On paper we lived with relatives, but it didn’t always work out that way. I did whatever I could for him. I dug through garbage, stole, etc. once we could work, I’d skip meals so he could eat.

We ended up living with our grandparents for a bit. I turned 18 and went to college. It didn’t stick. I dropped out to help him with a drug and mental health problem. After a year or so, he seemed to be on the right track, living with our grandparents again. They never liked me, though. They knew I was a bad person, so I left. The last thing my grandmother ever said to me is “you’re absolutely worthless.”

Fast forward a few years. I’m almost done with school. To get this far I’ve taken under the table work, spent entire semesters where I couldn’t sleep between Wednesday and Thursday so I could both get to class and my job, and I haven’t been able to do much of anything fun. Good news is, I’ve figured out I’m not entirely worthless, as I’ve been doing very well in school, and I’m not an entirely bad person, as I’ve made time to do some volunteer work regularly in my city. The whole time, my brother’s situation worsened. He’s deteriorated mentally to the point where he’s just unrecognizable from the boy I did my best to keep safe.

A couple months ago I had a mini relationship. It ended up falling apart, and that hurt me more than I thought it would. A little after that, a professor of mine sexually harassed me. The following day, I learned my brother got locked up again for 10+ years. I just learned I’ll be losing my housing soon, and my hours are getting cut at work because there’s just no money for labor.

I’ll have a place to stay. I doubt I’ll spend much time, if any, on the streets, but all this shit is compounding. I’m in school to be a teacher. All I’ve ever wanted is a regular, normal fucking life. I worry that I’ll never be able to achieve it. I haven’t caught a fucking break in 24 years of living. What’s the point in sticking around if it’s just more of this? All I want to do with my life is contribute to the future and make someone happy, all I’ve managed to accomplish is fucking things up. I work so goddamned hard, and it doesn’t matter. Most people come into this world with *somebody* who loves them, most people don’t need to work so goddamned hard to be worth *something* or at least have their worth noticed. I’m tired of living this way. I just want to be able to relax. I see people all the time who come into my restaurant, they get to smile and be with the people they love.

I guess the saving grace is I won’t have to work Mother’s Day. My boss always used to schedule me for it because he knew I didn’t have a mom, he’d laugh at me about it. I guess I can chill out and think about another thing that’s gone wrong in my life.

A few weeks ago I posted my experiences about going outside and doing leftism. I said that if anyone was interested, I’d post a few stories from my time doing that stuff. I would’ve preferred to post some stuff from months ago, but things have changed, and I have more pressing stuff to write about.

Firstly, a man I knew passed away a little bit ago. He was living in an encampment. Im not going to pretend I knew him well, we spoke a few times, but I knew his partner very well, and a few nights ago I went to offer her my condolences.

Getting into the camp was the same as always. Walk through the parking lot, through the woods, and towards the tents. I was going alone, which is generally ill advised, but they all know me out there and I kinda wanted to do it on my own. It was also late in the evening, past nightfall but not yet midnight, which is later than we like to do these visits.

I noticed some newcomers. Evidently they were of distant relation to another resident of the encampment. They came by to offer protection (whenever somebody out there dies or gets locked up, their stuff is raided). I had to talk my way past them to get to the person I wanted to speak with. Two of the newcomers were eying me hard and tried to press me a little, I ended up just asking for her by name and giving them mine. Word got back and I was allowed in.

I spoke to the wife of the man who passed away inside of their tent. She was clearly nodding hard with that glassy eyed look people get. She was otherwise pretty even-keeled. We talked about the man who died, we shared memories of others we’ve known who’ve overdosed, and I offered my condolences and said I’d be willing to give her a ride to his grave any time she needed. As we were speaking, I noticed her “protection” stealing a speaker from her tent. Thankfully, she noticed too, and he let it be. He kept telling me that he’s not homeless, he’s “better than these people” and that he was only there because he likes to fight. I just let him talk until he left for his bus.

Idk. Seeing that really shook me. For a little while I’ve had a hard time with it. I’m juggling activism, work, and school. Some days I struggle to sit in class while just a few hours ago I was stuck in a tent fire after someone used a faulty lighter to heat a bubbler. I’ve had a hard time figuring out why I bother with regular stuff while I know what’s waiting for me, both in terms of activism and in life. I’m not a wealthy man, I don’t think I’ve ever comfortably made rent. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never once felt like life has gotten better.

I’ve come to the conclusion that these feelings don’t matter. Doomerism will trample you if you let it. This world is an evil, evil place, but a better world is possible, and it’s our job to bring it forward. We owe it to each other. A friend of mine just had a kid, a daughter, and I’ll be damned if she inherits a world worse than the one we’re in now. Doomerism can be powerful, but love should always be at the center of your heart.

Please, gumshoes, get out there and do something. This place will trap you and rot your brain.