u/HopelessRomanticM40

TL;DR: In the UK, how realistic is it for a 40-year-old ethnic minority to find a relationship with a white woman, probably in her late 20s / early 30s?

Shameful to say this is a throw-away account. I am M40, based in one of the mid-sized northern cities in the UK; I am from south-east China but don't conform to much of the cultural values / stereotypes. I used to look quite young even compared to people from similar areas (by 10+ years), until I needed serious intervention for my health a few years ago. Friends currently put me at around 32, on average, in appearance.

My question is in the TL;DR, but I thought sharing some personal background will attract more specific thoughts. Though ultimately, I don’t know how much of it matters in first impressions.

In brief, my upbringing was rubbish, both my parents were abusive in their own way. After discovering how arrogant I was aged 18, I desperately wanted to change this part of me, but was clueless and stubborn in working it out on my own. This led to me spending my entire 20s removing arrogance from my traits, unintendedly leaving a giant hole in my personality and identity. I entered my 30s with significant social anxiety, both socially and in romantic contexts, which I again then spent years addressing, literally started from the basic “hello”, on top of trying to learn more about myself and rebuild a personality. It was also at this point that I decided to only find relationships with women my type.

As you can guess, I therefore don’t have much depth in my personality beyond kind, caring, honest, direct, and self-aware. I have found these traits very helpful in work environments with little to no toxicity, but not-at-all when it comes to dating. Women’s dating profiles on apps typically feature “funny” and “can make me laugh”, but I am more “funny once you get to know me” or funny without being intentionally so, the latter more common if I am with a woman my type - I blame it on social anxiety and am working on it.

Currently, I no longer have issues socialising with people in familiar environments, and challenge myself to engage in unfamiliar settings. In the context of dating, I can probably get past the first and second dates without anxiety really getting in the way. But after that anxiety would seem to make me keeping conversations “safe”, thereby instead sabotaging the connection being built. Based on past experience, I don’t have social problems once we get to the proper relationship stage - I thrive being a loving, open and honest communicator, none of which I have found helpful in the earlier stages of dating. I am mindful of and respect boundaries and consent.

My parents also prevented me from properly developing social skills through various means, resulting in my inability to read and express subtle social clues. I might not even get hindsight that somebody had meant something else when they used a sentence with a superficial meaning. It’s long been the case that I recognise someone is making subtle gestures, but I have little or no idea what they mean or how to respond.

Not counting an ex that came back where we were on-and-off for a couple years, earlier this year, I finally managed to have a month-long dating/early relationship thing with someone my type - after 10+ years of trying. Despite a promising start, it ended because I made a combination of mistakes alongside some untimely temporary flaws. Getting over it was very painful, I accepted the break-up but I was very disappointed in the simple mistakes that I made. My focus now is the lessons learnt as I must move on, no matter how much she was adding to my list of what I like in a woman.

Financially, I will stay completely debt-free as long as I am working, though I don’t have much prospects of climbing the class ladder any time soon, having dedicated my professional life to the NHS in a band 6 AfC nursing role. And from my experience, basic financial stability and readiness to have a family don’t seem to amount to much here, rather, there is a lot more emphasis on “saying the right things”.

I have friends but not close friends, having cut ties with a best friend of 7 years a couple years ago after discovering he only made friends with women to see if they will sleep with him.

I went on a date recently with a 31-year-old (according to her profile), and somehow she looked a lot older than me. This caused more uncertainties in me, as “someone younger” (it doesn’t matter if she does age more than I do later on) may now mean someone in her early 30s or younger. I don’t usually get matches and she was the first date from an app ever.

I have a set of current goals that will make me a better version of who I am, but I feel trapped. I have always wanted to grow old with someone, building a family together. Now that I am finally comfortable with who I am, it seems I have not made it in time. I am 40 and my looks seem to have become a curse. How realistic are the chances for me to find a white woman that doesn’t look older than me? 

In a different time-line, I’d like to think that my would-be oldest will soon be considering University choices and life goals. If you’re based in the UK, please feel free to share your words of wisdom, criticism or otherwise.

Friends have offered some very kind advice, but I'd like to know what you think, stranger on the interwebs.

I would really appreciate it if you could be as honest as possible regarding where I stand. There is no need for any sugarcoating. Thank you for reading.