Today I realized my alcoholism was never subtle. I was just the last person to notice and I feel ashamed.
I need to vent about an oral exam with a lector today for a class of mine that is basically all about who you are as a person. She told me she knows I had been coming to class under influence for basically the entire second semester. And I admitted to doing so.
I only see them once a week in the early morning...
Somehow that part destroyed me the most. Because in my head I genuinely believed I was hiding it well. I thought I had learned how to act normal. I thought if I could still talk normally, joke around, answer questions and get through the day, then nobody could really tell.
But apparently people can.
And now I keep replaying every interaction I had these past months wondering how obvious it actually was. How many people noticed and just never said anything. How many times I walked into class smelling like alcohol thinking I was being discreet while everyone around me probably already knew something was wrong. In hindsight mabye it was constantly tripping over my words or giggling the whole class. But I felt happy and she even said herself that she tought I was growing as a person at first until she noticed I was to much of a different person for that to be true.
The scary thing is that drinking stopped feeling like “drinking” a long time ago. It became maintenance. Something I needed to sleep. Something I needed to stop thinking. Something I needed before social situations. Before class. Before being alone with my thoughts at night.
I think I slowly moved the line of what felt normal until being drunk during the day started feeling more normal than being sober.
And the worst part is that I’m not writing this as some dramatic rock bottom story. My life didn’t explode. I’m still functioning on paper. That’s what makes this shit dangerous. You convince yourself that if you’re still standing, then you must still be in control. In fact I feel closer to my classmates then before.
Today was probably the first time I realized other people have been watching me fall apart way longer than I thought they were.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. Maybe because I know there are probably other people reading this who think they’re hiding it better than they actually are.
You probably aren’t. Doesn't matter if you use deodorant/gum to mask the smell, try to speak the best you can or whatever. You aren't you when you drink, you are a worse version of yourself even if you feel better about yourself drunk and think you are more likable.
Sorry if my English is bad, it’s not my first language and i used a translator.